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Tag: vaccines

The arrogance of ignorance

I haven’t wanted to write in this blog for quite a while now.

I have been on a bit of a journey both mentally and spiritually since my son Canon was diagnosed with autism a few years ago. I have been seeing my own psychosynthesis therapist for over 10 years  who helps me so much and is my weekly place where I am met properly and can feel that glorious connection to everyone and to our life. But I have no real contacts in the autism world with regards to a more spiritual connection or in relation to my own process of it – more of a how to help our kids angle.

I have found it so overwhelming, the myriad of different angles and opinions one encounters both online and off it about the how, whats and whys of autism. I am now feeling quite disappointed at the world in general I think and as someone who was already a bit suspicious at how the world is run and managed I have really crossed a line that I cant quite come back from. It has led to some quite magical experiences on one hand – seeing things so differently – but has also mostly left me quite tired and depleted too. Viv my wonderful therapist describes me as entertaining a real dark energy, the shadow world. I watch lots of “conspiracy” videos and feel instinctively that there is a real darkness in power in our world. The autism experience and disappointing recent world events have kind of heightened this sense in me and awakened me to some dark energy.

Alongside this I also very much hold that it may well be my fault – not in a victim way I would hope but in a genuine I wish things had been different way. This unsurprisingly is depressing but is not something I feel very willing to let go of as it might be the truth. I really don’t know what has happened to Canon and why or what will happen and there are times when that seems to be ok and times that I feel on shaky ground. I don’t accept any current framework yet. The more I read and research autism the less I know and feel sure of – a kind of arrogance of ignorance scenario, now I’m not so ignorant to what it is I feel very unsure and less opinionated. We do ABA with Canon which is very divisive in the community it seems but I feel it has given Canon and us the gift of communication again so I stay with it but is it my ideal? Probably not? I did not vaccinate my third child – again very divisive – I felt there was no choice.

As I am writing I’m desperately trying to think why autism would bring all this shadow stuff up or a darkness and is it just me who feels that? Its quite subtle. It seems that this unique condition has so many different mind boggling angles from treatments, causes to cures. Then of course there is how it presents – so individual and unique – but in general as a possible block to love – which typing that I welled up – without love and connection I struggle to see a life worth living? Or a life of happiness?

Not that my life is the bloody sound of music. I know I can choose today to try and come from love not fear but whats the point when I look up and out at the world that behaves so badly. It feels like a cop out somehow. Eyes on me own plate and dont think about the darkness.Dont think about the problems of others.

Isnt that the whole problem that we are all too busy to notice or really care to stop things done in our name but in no gain to us? And certainly to cause pain to others? To stop our leaders acting like bullies in the playground? An eye for an eye? We wouldn’t accept it in the playground but we do on the world stage.. just crazy.

The arrogance of ignorance – I like this saying but I’m afraid I cant seem credit it. It seems very apt. I am educating myself out of both ignorance and arrogance as much as humanly possible.

Why are people always so damned sure?

I am so tired from another day at work and late nights watching videos on youtube about Isis, Palestine and Ukraine. Just so bloody depressing. What is with the world right now? It feels like it is imploding. I do watch alternative point of view videos on the Internet, commonly referred to as ‘conspiracy’. I suppose it depends on your point of view what media you might refer to as conspiracy. Not sure I would trust anything I see as THE TRUTH. I have always felt thus. I remember sitting in my history class and being taught for like a year about a nasty fat king who killed all his wives (of all the history to be taught huh?) and thinking, how do you know? I mean for sure like you are telling us THE TRUTH. So sure. People are just so damned sure.

I listen to LBC on my mum taxi-ing service as frankly after a while I need some adult conversation. Today I picked up some debate over the Israel-Palestine-Hamas situation. I tend to argue back at the callers or presenter out loud quite a bit, sad I know but since I’m in the car or covered in kids or work I can’t call so that’s it I talk to the radio : ) I am never ceased to be amazed at how sure people are. It would be cute if it wasn’t so horrifyingly dangerous. I feel about the situation thus: google Irael Palestine map timeline. Say no more. It has happened. It was allowed to happen. People don’t like it but it has happened. Palestine is nothing now, bless them. There is bad blood, from both sides but Israel needs to open their heart. They have been granted a lot, be grateful and be generous with your thoughts and actions. The futile rockets Palestine are launching is just that : futile. They have faced a battle for the land they thought was theirs and lost, relegated to a tiny corner. It’s sad and we all know futile. This is not about Jews and Muslims, they live together on my damn road, in my postcode and in my city side by side. Happily, peacefully. This is about land and blood. Only time, compassion and generosity can cure the ailment. With each person, with each beautiful child that dies comes more and more time that it will take to heal. How can people forgive that? how will peope not want to fight? So so desperately sad.

I also just read an article in the paper on Isis with pictures of these black shrouded figures rounding up these lovely young men in Iraq and slaughtering them. I cried when I read it. That is my brother, my son, my partner or my friend. Treated in a way so inconceivable to me in my little North London bubble that I can’t comprehend it. Literally. I can’t see how it could ever happen? Literally. No words. Mike, my other half, grew up in Beirut during the war and is much more matter of fact. It’s hot and they have guns, they are hot headed. He knows this life, he knows what’s its like for half the city to want the other half killed. To see blood shed and see red. To not care for another’s life. To want revenge.

A part of me would love to believe in the conspiracy theories whole heartedly but I can’t. To believe fully that this is all a plan. Demonise Russia and keep them busy in Ukraine whilst Syria and Iraq implode and Iran is pulled in. One Isalmaic state is declared and Israel can be justified in Nuclear response. Terrifying vision. New world governments formed to the agenda of a few. I can see its possibilities. It is true to some extent certainly. The trillionaire billionaire gazillionaire families and individuals who just seem so damn sure. The real owners of our banks, homes and money. The celebrity do gooders- Gates and his vaccine programmes, Oprah and her population control speeches. Terrifying! Who are these people, again beyond my comprehension the power they have been given. Maybe some is genuinely well intentioned and maybe some is just damn evil.

That is what my lovely step sister reminded me that I am pondering and dabbling in in my hobby to entertain these ideas, the age old good and evil. Light and dark. I am not just preoccupied with my own plight, how to pay our bills and expenses, what to do for our kids, what to watch on telly, what to eat yes that takes up probably 98% of my time. Whilst this 2% I dabble in is so unsettling and well harrowing that I don’t know where to go with it. I hear my dads voice now… What are you going to do about it? Well yes dad what the hell can I do about it? Can I do anything? Is there anything other than getting stressed, shouting at radios and asking God that I can do about the state of the world? It’s a bloody good question.

I am really not sure.