Tag: Palestine

Precious Identity

This was the title of my MA in jewellery design. Yes ok an MA in jewellery design is not exactly rocket science but I really enjoyed doing it and it was actually pleasantly important for me to find deeper levels to my chosen profession. So back to our precious identity, a topic close to my heart.

I am thinking a lot about identity again today. I’ve been listening to Israelis and Palestinians justifying their actions on radio phone ins (i know i should just listen to bloody pharell or something fun) and reading blogs by adult autistics and parents of autistic children for the last hour or two. I read an amazing very thought provoking blog here..
And I got to thinking about myself and how I grew up. I relate to so many of the feelings adult autistics express, the shame, the trying to be normal, a feeling of just not being ok, of being good enough. All these things shaped me but when I read them expressed so eloquently by adult ‘autistics’ I suddenly can’t quite grasp the prism of reality that i feel familiar with and again its not simple for me where autism begins and ends. Great that I can relate, empathise and connect. A gift. But it leaves me feeling unsettled. Much better and more comfortable to have a probleM to solve than to be with the sticky mess of a life to live out. To deal with my own feelings in all this is hard. So enticing to stick to the “warrior mom” “advocating” and “fighting” than sticky messy mum bumbling along. Trying to hash out a good life for the imperfect family now steadily careering towards adulthood.
Bloody yikes.

Anyway back to identity (again ) it is the psychosynthesis model that has helped me to see clearly that with which I identify and that with which I form my identity. Through my identifications. Now if I had been given a label – autistic, Israeli, Palestinian, Muslim, (just my topics of interest today mind) from a young age I too would feel all that I have heard or read today. I would be identified. And through the nature of identifying I would dis identify with something else – in this case – a-typical, normal, Palestinian, Israeli etc
Again possibly not rocket science but to me quite simply profound.

When we make the conscious or unconscious choices to identify as or with something we are just as surely closing the door to the other. Over identification always pisses me off, in so many forms. No no no no no no. When i think of all the gorgeous young men I’ve met who act completely gay in every damn stereotype of the word arghhh I want to just sit them down with a nice cup of tea and tell them I think there is more, so much more to the story. Not many people reallt give a shit what you do in your sexlife. Anyway I shouldnt rant, should not judge, none of my damn business. Except pain seems to just tug on my sleeve and I just can’t seem to pass it by. And that is what it seems to me that over identification and not consciously exploring what you believe and hold so close as to shut others out causes – pain. I was lucky I believe not not be bought up in a religion, it has been an interesting journey exploring religion from the outside looking in. I see the beauty but I see the pain in not belonging or agreeing.

But where on earth does it leave you when you try to identify with everyone? When you don’t want to make choices that shut the door in someone’s face? Not sure. It’s probably impossible or highly disfunctional or maybe just very Buddhist lol to have no identifications however subtle, but to just be prepared to let them go for a little while and see how it feels to walk another path. That’s the order of today. I will not judge but i do just wish I could sit a few of those Israelis and Palestinians down for a nice cup of tea.

“The truth you believe and cling to makes you unavailable to hear anything new.”
Pema Chodron

I will try an remember this in every way as I raise my sons, especially the one who could become a word. Autism.

Why are people always so damned sure?

I am so tired from another day at work and late nights watching videos on youtube about Isis, Palestine and Ukraine. Just so bloody depressing. What is with the world right now? It feels like it is imploding. I do watch alternative point of view videos on the Internet, commonly referred to as ‘conspiracy’. I suppose it depends on your point of view what media you might refer to as conspiracy. Not sure I would trust anything I see as THE TRUTH. I have always felt thus. I remember sitting in my history class and being taught for like a year about a nasty fat king who killed all his wives (of all the history to be taught huh?) and thinking, how do you know? I mean for sure like you are telling us THE TRUTH. So sure. People are just so damned sure.

I listen to LBC on my mum taxi-ing service as frankly after a while I need some adult conversation. Today I picked up some debate over the Israel-Palestine-Hamas situation. I tend to argue back at the callers or presenter out loud quite a bit, sad I know but since I’m in the car or covered in kids or work I can’t call so that’s it I talk to the radio : ) I am never ceased to be amazed at how sure people are. It would be cute if it wasn’t so horrifyingly dangerous. I feel about the situation thus: google Irael Palestine map timeline. Say no more. It has happened. It was allowed to happen. People don’t like it but it has happened. Palestine is nothing now, bless them. There is bad blood, from both sides but Israel needs to open their heart. They have been granted a lot, be grateful and be generous with your thoughts and actions. The futile rockets Palestine are launching is just that : futile. They have faced a battle for the land they thought was theirs and lost, relegated to a tiny corner. It’s sad and we all know futile. This is not about Jews and Muslims, they live together on my damn road, in my postcode and in my city side by side. Happily, peacefully. This is about land and blood. Only time, compassion and generosity can cure the ailment. With each person, with each beautiful child that dies comes more and more time that it will take to heal. How can people forgive that? how will peope not want to fight? So so desperately sad.

I also just read an article in the paper on Isis with pictures of these black shrouded figures rounding up these lovely young men in Iraq and slaughtering them. I cried when I read it. That is my brother, my son, my partner or my friend. Treated in a way so inconceivable to me in my little North London bubble that I can’t comprehend it. Literally. I can’t see how it could ever happen? Literally. No words. Mike, my other half, grew up in Beirut during the war and is much more matter of fact. It’s hot and they have guns, they are hot headed. He knows this life, he knows what’s its like for half the city to want the other half killed. To see blood shed and see red. To not care for another’s life. To want revenge.

A part of me would love to believe in the conspiracy theories whole heartedly but I can’t. To believe fully that this is all a plan. Demonise Russia and keep them busy in Ukraine whilst Syria and Iraq implode and Iran is pulled in. One Isalmaic state is declared and Israel can be justified in Nuclear response. Terrifying vision. New world governments formed to the agenda of a few. I can see its possibilities. It is true to some extent certainly. The trillionaire billionaire gazillionaire families and individuals who just seem so damn sure. The real owners of our banks, homes and money. The celebrity do gooders- Gates and his vaccine programmes, Oprah and her population control speeches. Terrifying! Who are these people, again beyond my comprehension the power they have been given. Maybe some is genuinely well intentioned and maybe some is just damn evil.

That is what my lovely step sister reminded me that I am pondering and dabbling in in my hobby to entertain these ideas, the age old good and evil. Light and dark. I am not just preoccupied with my own plight, how to pay our bills and expenses, what to do for our kids, what to watch on telly, what to eat yes that takes up probably 98% of my time. Whilst this 2% I dabble in is so unsettling and well harrowing that I don’t know where to go with it. I hear my dads voice now… What are you going to do about it? Well yes dad what the hell can I do about it? Can I do anything? Is there anything other than getting stressed, shouting at radios and asking God that I can do about the state of the world? It’s a bloody good question.

I am really not sure.