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Tag: love

The arrogance of ignorance

I haven’t wanted to write in this blog for quite a while now.

I have been on a bit of a journey both mentally and spiritually since my son Canon was diagnosed with autism a few years ago. I have been seeing my own psychosynthesis therapist for over 10 years  who helps me so much and is my weekly place where I am met properly and can feel that glorious connection to everyone and to our life. But I have no real contacts in the autism world with regards to a more spiritual connection or in relation to my own process of it – more of a how to help our kids angle.

I have found it so overwhelming, the myriad of different angles and opinions one encounters both online and off it about the how, whats and whys of autism. I am now feeling quite disappointed at the world in general I think and as someone who was already a bit suspicious at how the world is run and managed I have really crossed a line that I cant quite come back from. It has led to some quite magical experiences on one hand – seeing things so differently – but has also mostly left me quite tired and depleted too. Viv my wonderful therapist describes me as entertaining a real dark energy, the shadow world. I watch lots of “conspiracy” videos and feel instinctively that there is a real darkness in power in our world. The autism experience and disappointing recent world events have kind of heightened this sense in me and awakened me to some dark energy.

Alongside this I also very much hold that it may well be my fault – not in a victim way I would hope but in a genuine I wish things had been different way. This unsurprisingly is depressing but is not something I feel very willing to let go of as it might be the truth. I really don’t know what has happened to Canon and why or what will happen and there are times when that seems to be ok and times that I feel on shaky ground. I don’t accept any current framework yet. The more I read and research autism the less I know and feel sure of – a kind of arrogance of ignorance scenario, now I’m not so ignorant to what it is I feel very unsure and less opinionated. We do ABA with Canon which is very divisive in the community it seems but I feel it has given Canon and us the gift of communication again so I stay with it but is it my ideal? Probably not? I did not vaccinate my third child – again very divisive – I felt there was no choice.

As I am writing I’m desperately trying to think why autism would bring all this shadow stuff up or a darkness and is it just me who feels that? Its quite subtle. It seems that this unique condition has so many different mind boggling angles from treatments, causes to cures. Then of course there is how it presents – so individual and unique – but in general as a possible block to love – which typing that I welled up – without love and connection I struggle to see a life worth living? Or a life of happiness?

Not that my life is the bloody sound of music. I know I can choose today to try and come from love not fear but whats the point when I look up and out at the world that behaves so badly. It feels like a cop out somehow. Eyes on me own plate and dont think about the darkness.Dont think about the problems of others.

Isnt that the whole problem that we are all too busy to notice or really care to stop things done in our name but in no gain to us? And certainly to cause pain to others? To stop our leaders acting like bullies in the playground? An eye for an eye? We wouldn’t accept it in the playground but we do on the world stage.. just crazy.

The arrogance of ignorance – I like this saying but I’m afraid I cant seem credit it. It seems very apt. I am educating myself out of both ignorance and arrogance as much as humanly possible.

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As long as he is happy…

Well as long as he is happy… This is said to me often about my 4yr old son Canon who has autism. It grates on me. It misses just so much, boxes up our experience with a bow and gives it back to me tidy, nowhere to go. Conversation finished. Superiority established. Wow.

I think i probably would have said it before I had experience parenting my son. Bare with me with this because I’m working this through. Someone i really love and respect said it to me this week and because I was safe I became impassioned. No I cried, that is not enough. It’s not enough for our children to sit vibrating in the corner, spin round the room, grind their teeth staring at nothing humping the floor all day (yes my son can do all 3) everyday because this is our son and we want more. He is happy as Larry checked out and oblivious to us. You wouldn’t say as long as he’s happy if he were on a class A or if he had another physical disability. There is something I feel about the word autism that invites dismissal and patronising behaviour. To the autistic and the parent. It’s interesting. Maybe we think its the parents fault, it might be and we’ve read articles to the myriad of reasons as to why it might be. To the autistic we presume complete incompetence or savant. Its confusing. AND. My experience is all the in between.

I get that the most important thing, the best thing in life is being happy. Maybe he will be happy or maybe he won’t. Somehow though what I hear when you say that is no hope. He is beyond the normal ups and downs, so disabled that he is going to smile through life and not feel the journey like me, the agonies and of course the ecstasies.

As long as he’s happy.. This is what I actually hear:

Why are you speaking? Lets stop. I’m not interested.
Back to the important things…
God forbid you tell me it’s hard you selfish woman.
It doesn’t matter what he does.
It doesn’t matter what he learns.
Let him sit in the corner rocking all day.
I don’t see your struggle to work out this unplanned journey at all and frankly I don’t care.
I don’t see you’re effort to understand and help your child because its so simple.
I don’t see the epic journey you have made from victim, through fighter into loving acceptance and trying to presume complete competence for a child no one else really cares about or thinks capable of much.
I don’t see the epic journey your child is making trying to adapt to the world they don’t understand day after day after day.

What i really hear is that you don’t care to know more.

Exploring the magical…

“Yes you can have it all but it will be messy” Nora Ephron.

I love that quote. Hallelujah ain’t that the truth. My truth. Or possibly more apt for me right now is you can try and have it all and it will be messy. My children, whose needs come before my own (what a relief), making a living doing what you love – that’s a blessing slowly coming to fruition, the heart in the home (daily work in progress) and a relationship 10 years old yesterday that’s sadly passed unmarked, uncelebrated because its not a priority and you are both tired. Awww. A fantasised life that’s not your reality explored, agonised and shelved again today. Dreams of a magical existence dragged down to the un magical feeling present.

Is wanting to feel the magic of the world as much as humanly possible completely unrealistic or really sensible? Does what go up always have to come down? It sounds a sensible option to me but it isn’t very realistic and completely incompatible with the daily grind, the drudge of life. I find it enough to just remember to will it – the magic I mean.

Remembering to be vulnerable, be truthful, be generous and most of all see it in those that have lost sight of it will keep it alive in my heart. To keep looking for it passionately. To see the magic of our existence and experience as a beacon of hope in front of me at all times or as much as possible.

I will remember that tonight and be grateful for all the magical things that have happened in my life. I will be grateful that I can entertain having it all. I remember those that can’t feel magic and wonder tonight. Me included but it’s always there I know that so God give me the will to feel it.

FEAR

Now I’m not a big fan of shame. Shame shuts us down and disconnects us. It strangles the loving living breathing energy out of beautiful things. So saying that I am still tempted to call this post “we should be ashamed” I haven’t yet but I probably will because I feel disappointed that on a global scale we act in such a way that I am ashamed of us. Maybe it is disappointed. Maybe I can do with away with shame it won’t bloody help. Let me explain.

I have been listening to LBC a lot recently. I know I know it’s such a BAAaaAad habit because it is designed to escalate, as my wonderful wise psychosynthesis therapist Viv explained today. It bloody escalates me at times, shouting at the radio lol. In general though I have it on when I am designing jewellery for clients, I do this by hand quite painstakingly measured using graph paper and tracing paper and I find it good to have some noise in the background, enter LBC. Most of the time I can laugh, it is funny how opinionated we all are, me included. We are a funny bunch. But there is something painful for me, I have to laugh or otherwise I may well cry. Really.

What the bloody hell am I on. Well I would hope to be on the side of love and good living. These new narratives about Russia and it’s mad, dangerous gangster el presidentay. Yes that nutter who annexes innocent countries we must stop him before he is unstoppable. What do I hear? Fear mongering. Isis oooo people are getting whipped up into a frenzy by monsters hacking heads off, masked animals. This rhetoric just doesn’t feel right to me. Why are we being whipped up again? Call me a paranoid conspirisist if you must but I just see and hear another way for some folk to go ahead and also carry out acts that none us sane and happy and loved up would allow on our watch.

I don’t know who Isis are but I sure as hell don’t buy this strange one sided story we are being force fed. Ok ok I could obviously turn off the radio but I can’t I am transfixed. Again. Again we are called to arms by dubious wierd and slightly mad stories. Weapons of mass destruction hoho we all know that one, don’t get me started. I am started. And i am still way back ten steps behind waving my hands in the air, looking around. who is with me? I am here thinking who the hell are we to say who can and can’t have these bloody weapons? How bloody dare we declare that certain countries can and certain countries can’t! So bloody what if he does? if you put Tony, Sadam and George in a room i am not sure who would appear the most nuts. In bloody furiating. The devastating arrogance. Point your finger and point three back at yourself – never a truer word spoken. Where is the basic self awareness? What the hell are we thinking? Until we stop, really take responsibility for some stupid horrifying choices we have made towards others in the world there will be hatred. Distrust and disgust, I don’t bloody blame them. I would be fucking scared too if I lived in these countries. War on terror! i know who I was more bloody terrified of, pah the whole bloody lot of us were complicit in this one. We are not doing enough to stop these oiled greasy ugly and terrifying machines of words infect us. Not in my name. What a great name for the campaign. Right back in the beginning not in my name. Right back to the know it all arrogance of Europe and the US, the United Nations of arrogance.

Do not get me wrong this nutcase hacking people’s heads off is literally unbearable. Why is he doing it? What does he want and why does he want it? Do I trust the story that this crazy frenzied Islamic army just whirlwinded in from nowhere to threaten us specifically and rampage through the Middle East? That British Muslims, women and children living amongst us are leaving in droves to hack the infidels up? They are monsters, animals, sheer terror to wage war on. They will return blood thirsty. FEAR. I don’t believe in making fear based decisions. There will be no love involved and more generations of us will live the consequences… Fear breeds fear. Let us not respond to this nasty guy beheading people, he is high off the fame andpower we have given him.

Let us not let him, this incomprehensible figure set the global agenda.