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Tag: kids

Exploring the magical…

“Yes you can have it all but it will be messy” Nora Ephron.

I love that quote. Hallelujah ain’t that the truth. My truth. Or possibly more apt for me right now is you can try and have it all and it will be messy. My children, whose needs come before my own (what a relief), making a living doing what you love – that’s a blessing slowly coming to fruition, the heart in the home (daily work in progress) and a relationship 10 years old yesterday that’s sadly passed unmarked, uncelebrated because its not a priority and you are both tired. Awww. A fantasised life that’s not your reality explored, agonised and shelved again today. Dreams of a magical existence dragged down to the un magical feeling present.

Is wanting to feel the magic of the world as much as humanly possible completely unrealistic or really sensible? Does what go up always have to come down? It sounds a sensible option to me but it isn’t very realistic and completely incompatible with the daily grind, the drudge of life. I find it enough to just remember to will it – the magic I mean.

Remembering to be vulnerable, be truthful, be generous and most of all see it in those that have lost sight of it will keep it alive in my heart. To keep looking for it passionately. To see the magic of our existence and experience as a beacon of hope in front of me at all times or as much as possible.

I will remember that tonight and be grateful for all the magical things that have happened in my life. I will be grateful that I can entertain having it all. I remember those that can’t feel magic and wonder tonight. Me included but it’s always there I know that so God give me the will to feel it.

What is freedom?

There are things you should do and things you shouldn’t. It depends where you are from what these are probably but some are possibly universal. Instinct should never be ignored, how many glorious things are lost because we are trained away from even knowing let alone following our instinct. The fear is us being feral. Who wants feral children or adults? Like animals? Better than zombies so me probably. It’s a fine line – tricky to navigate. When does one push through and extend out of saying what you are meant to say, what’s safe, tried and tested. Everyone has got so good, so right on, it’s lovely but argh say what you feel, be who you are. So boring. Maybe it’s just in my little life right now this feels really relevant.

My kids don’t really roam free. Where to? we live right in the middle of London. They don’t even want to go out alone. I did when I was 8. I did all sorts of crazy stuff but I had a rebellious older brother which probably helped. I’m going to make my eldest walk to the shops on his own. Tomorrow. This is ridiculous. They don’t knock about, run wild and free without an adult nearby. So sad. So safe.

I don’t worry. They are safe ferried around by me. So instead I worry about money, mortgages, careers, love, blah blah and none of us are free.

Our lives aren’t getting free-er (is that a word?) they are getting more fearful and lonely in every which way you look at it. I’m on duty in this house, I am duty bound to make my kids roam free. I am also challenging myself to speak the truth, my truth, my feelings and sense. It’s epic. For me anyway. Trusting my instinct and going for it. Taking the risk.

One life and all that.

Tomorrow I am going to say to my eldest son – speak from the heart and speak your truth. Never feel afraid it’s all you have and if you don’t value it no one else will. Eleven if you get in trouble at school. Gasp.

I want to feel freer, lighter and abundant. I want it for my kids. It’s a work in progress, it will involve life changes. Good. Start tomorrow.

Curtainless windows

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So we just moved and I had so many plans to make it PERFEcT in 3 months. It was in a pretty bad way so I must have been mad. Also now we have no money. Every night now I lay in bed it’s still light and look out through my beautiful oldy worldly windows and I feel pretty lucky. Not sure I want curtains but will probably change my mind when winter comes. Loving this summer.

My son shouts a lot. I came home and he cuddled me then we tried to cajole him to dinner. The dinner or bed option worked for a while but now he just says dinner bed and takes himself upstairs. It’s actually a bit scary. No dinner and taking himself to bed and not sleeping. What to do.

Tonight was different tho he shouted a lot. He shouted all day. After no dinner we went to pick up Raf from his friends house (Rafael my baby no 1 now 8) and I took them for ice cream. He ate all his special frozen yoghurt gluten free cone that I drive across north London for. Rafi loves the place. Frozen yoghurt with jelly men and marshmallows and strawberry sauce ? Urgh me I like it completely plain. Anyway after the ice cream Which Canon managed to say Nice ice cream (sorta) I turned on the radio “nooooo” shouts the backseat despot. Nononono the only song not to get a stampede of nos is Pharrell happy which we all used to love and now cannot bear to listen to we have heard it that many times.

Tonight in the end I decided to play my song and sing very loud until we pulled up at home. I felt happy the boys were disgusted : )

Its the little things.