Tag: healing

I was just about to blog someone else’s story just now that has deeply troubled me this weekend. But it is not my place I realise and so it is deleted. I feel sad because I know that through the real experienced shared stories we connect. My wish to be of some service to someone i love who is facing an unbarable choice has agonised me and I have had really overwhelming feelings that I have found hard physically to sit with. Life can be pretty bloody agonising and the truth of this situation was messy, fearful and harrowing. I have come across a few situations this year where I am opened up to someone’s heartbreaking experience and am compelled to extend and reach out. I am not afraid anymore of difficult things, experiences, thoughts or feelings. I am not afraid of getting it wrong. I just need to be there and maybe even remember to channel some warm golden light – through me not from me. I needed that. I still need that. I also need to remember the darkest hour is that before the dawn. Light comes after darkness and that is our shared condition. After suffering follows peace, the cycle continues we all live it to varying degrees.

But whats dawned on me as i write this (which is why i do write this because it helps things dawn on me) is that I really want to remember to not live my life in a manic busy flurry so that when someone I know is suffering I am not too busy i cant make them a meal so that they eat something nourishing. Something I often forget when furrowing my brow and thinking what to do or say. It’s one of the little things done to honour our times of hardship and something I was struck by in Beirut, the act of sharing and giving homemade food.
It is quite remarkably beautiful.

So even though I have a crazy day tomorrow I will make time to cook a lovely meal for my family and my dear friends who are suffering. They need it practically and I need it spiritually.


My wonderful cousin Jane sent me ths article this evening and it really inspiref me and made me laugh and cry with recognition, hope and despair and grief.


Wow what a day can I just say. I haven’t seen the boys much as I was out all day after dropping them at school and when I came back they were all asleep which thank goodness is a rarity for me as I feel slightly disconnected especially after reading an article like this.

It has bought up so much stuff for me. I am still somewhat taken a back at people’s assured grasp on autism. Some comments really do defy belief. After reading lord knows how much on the subject I know I don’t bloody know. I know I am doing well with it now, Mike is doing well (well I know he still says Canon is cursed but apart from that …) and Canon is doing really well. I know this I am in a better place but I also know what the journey to here for us has been. I think it possibly might be unexplainable on one level as it sounds quite dramatic and a bit hmmmm highly strung which I do accept to be an outside perception, I know I have thought that sort of thing about parents too. Genuinely. But my experience of absolute fear, panic and devastation at seeing my gorgeous son completely disengage with us and life has led me down a different path of life..

To a different dimension. Comparible but more profound than my three natural child births (pain that makes you see life a bit differently, a bit more vulnerably) and my mums look of complete terror when she was taken into a private room at the hospice knowing she would die there (which she did a few days later) All of theses experiences were totally beyond me, out of my control and pretty hard to bare.

My sons autism was regressive so the most terrifying element I think is the fear of this unknown destination. When you realise your child is no longer saying any of the words he once said freely or happily, his eyes firmly fixed on some point firmly about at least half a meter from your own and behaviours undeniably strange – running in circles humming, stuffing the bed sheets in his mouth and squirming on the floor for hours if left to his own devices, screaming the house down, panic stricken cries if you left his sight for a second, all night humming blah blah etc.

Anyway it might not sound like much to some people but WTF. Literally what the fuck is goi g on, has happened, what should we do and where is this going? I’m pretty hardy and it flummoxed me for quite some time.

If someone tells you their child is autistic you don’t need to fix it by telling them what you (just really don’t) know. I can take it actually but I’d rather I didn’t have to. It’s not an easy journey as many aren’t but in our little world this has been one epic unexplained and unresolved experience that has weathered our souls and wearied our bodies. Please try to extend wherever you can to us parents who are hell bent on helping these wonderful, gorgeous, challenging, bright and extraordinary children reach their potential. Be gentle on our varied beliefs on the wtfs- why,what,how,when’s and our stage of grief. We need you to see us, hear our cries but most of all meet our little ones – they are all our children after all.


Today I took Canon to his homeopath on Fulham Road and I wanted to share the beautiful side of him/autism and wherever that begins and ends. As we walked up the road to the cashpoint he holds my hand like a gorgeous boy that he is and we see this giant penguin outside a cafe. Canon says wow and stops he looks at the penguin for a few seconds and then leans in and gives the back of that big lump of plastic a big hug. A woman sitting just inside grins, I grin like a crazy person and we say bye bye penguin. I love that kid so much. It was so beautiful and simple. When we passed by again he did it again and I felt like the luckiest mum in the world. It’s the little things in life that can give the greatest pleasure.

I really like this homeopathist (not sure that’s the title but it works) she is great and has really helped me with some overwhelming feelings, anger and a kind of tired foggy haze that has me reaching for hot milky drinks and cookies lol. She really met me, I say that in the deepest sense of meeting someone. I felt met and understood straight away. We have seen real improvements in some of Canons behaviours with Homeopathy, previously with Alan Freestone and now with Malgosia. It really is worth a go whoever you are. I know some people think its wacky but the world and everyone in it are totally nuts. You only have to look at the daily mail online or a turkey (so funny looking : )) to be reminded of this. Better than taking pharmaceuticals at any rate. Not really sure exactly how homeopathy or cranial or even acupuncture work but I trust them instinctively and have personally had great healing for an array of issues both physical and mental.

The things I really want to still do for Canon are to finish Canons NAET sessions with Ann @ Caring For You, OT at somewhere like Hemisphere in Surrey, some more cranial with the brilliant Isabelle De Rehya, see a proper nutritionist to work OT some simple dietary issues and possible supplements and horse riding! I also think Canon might be really musical so I would love to explore that with him. We follow just a gluten free diet with Canon, originally it was dairy too but we reintroduced it and didn’t see any major issues. We sometimes feel he stims more when he has something with soya lecithin in, maybe we imagine it, God knows this is no scientific approach but we try to avoid anything with this in. We are not crazy rigid on his diet, maybe we should be but he is not allergic but we did feel there was some improvement.

Someone gave me a link recently to a cool article on autism treatments…


I started out looking at biomedical interventions to cure, now I will do what I feel leads to good health and helps him regulate. Maybe it’s just today but I feel more relaxed. There is this beauty to Canon that I would not change for the world. We are lucky and blessed to have him.