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Tag: darkness

The arrogance of ignorance

I haven’t wanted to write in this blog for quite a while now.

I have been on a bit of a journey both mentally and spiritually since my son Canon was diagnosed with autism a few years ago. I have been seeing my own psychosynthesis therapist for over 10 years  who helps me so much and is my weekly place where I am met properly and can feel that glorious connection to everyone and to our life. But I have no real contacts in the autism world with regards to a more spiritual connection or in relation to my own process of it – more of a how to help our kids angle.

I have found it so overwhelming, the myriad of different angles and opinions one encounters both online and off it about the how, whats and whys of autism. I am now feeling quite disappointed at the world in general I think and as someone who was already a bit suspicious at how the world is run and managed I have really crossed a line that I cant quite come back from. It has led to some quite magical experiences on one hand – seeing things so differently – but has also mostly left me quite tired and depleted too. Viv my wonderful therapist describes me as entertaining a real dark energy, the shadow world. I watch lots of “conspiracy” videos and feel instinctively that there is a real darkness in power in our world. The autism experience and disappointing recent world events have kind of heightened this sense in me and awakened me to some dark energy.

Alongside this I also very much hold that it may well be my fault – not in a victim way I would hope but in a genuine I wish things had been different way. This unsurprisingly is depressing but is not something I feel very willing to let go of as it might be the truth. I really don’t know what has happened to Canon and why or what will happen and there are times when that seems to be ok and times that I feel on shaky ground. I don’t accept any current framework yet. The more I read and research autism the less I know and feel sure of – a kind of arrogance of ignorance scenario, now I’m not so ignorant to what it is I feel very unsure and less opinionated. We do ABA with Canon which is very divisive in the community it seems but I feel it has given Canon and us the gift of communication again so I stay with it but is it my ideal? Probably not? I did not vaccinate my third child – again very divisive – I felt there was no choice.

As I am writing I’m desperately trying to think why autism would bring all this shadow stuff up or a darkness and is it just me who feels that? Its quite subtle. It seems that this unique condition has so many different mind boggling angles from treatments, causes to cures. Then of course there is how it presents – so individual and unique – but in general as a possible block to love – which typing that I welled up – without love and connection I struggle to see a life worth living? Or a life of happiness?

Not that my life is the bloody sound of music. I know I can choose today to try and come from love not fear but whats the point when I look up and out at the world that behaves so badly. It feels like a cop out somehow. Eyes on me own plate and dont think about the darkness.Dont think about the problems of others.

Isnt that the whole problem that we are all too busy to notice or really care to stop things done in our name but in no gain to us? And certainly to cause pain to others? To stop our leaders acting like bullies in the playground? An eye for an eye? We wouldn’t accept it in the playground but we do on the world stage.. just crazy.

The arrogance of ignorance – I like this saying but I’m afraid I cant seem credit it. It seems very apt. I am educating myself out of both ignorance and arrogance as much as humanly possible.

I was just about to blog someone else’s story just now that has deeply troubled me this weekend. But it is not my place I realise and so it is deleted. I feel sad because I know that through the real experienced shared stories we connect. My wish to be of some service to someone i love who is facing an unbarable choice has agonised me and I have had really overwhelming feelings that I have found hard physically to sit with. Life can be pretty bloody agonising and the truth of this situation was messy, fearful and harrowing. I have come across a few situations this year where I am opened up to someone’s heartbreaking experience and am compelled to extend and reach out. I am not afraid anymore of difficult things, experiences, thoughts or feelings. I am not afraid of getting it wrong. I just need to be there and maybe even remember to channel some warm golden light – through me not from me. I needed that. I still need that. I also need to remember the darkest hour is that before the dawn. Light comes after darkness and that is our shared condition. After suffering follows peace, the cycle continues we all live it to varying degrees.

But whats dawned on me as i write this (which is why i do write this because it helps things dawn on me) is that I really want to remember to not live my life in a manic busy flurry so that when someone I know is suffering I am not too busy i cant make them a meal so that they eat something nourishing. Something I often forget when furrowing my brow and thinking what to do or say. It’s one of the little things done to honour our times of hardship and something I was struck by in Beirut, the act of sharing and giving homemade food.
It is quite remarkably beautiful.

So even though I have a crazy day tomorrow I will make time to cook a lovely meal for my family and my dear friends who are suffering. They need it practically and I need it spiritually.