Tag: cry

This is not a life

“This is not a life” my partner is forever holding his hands in the air and remonstrating the world, although it feels like he is talking to me. I usually roll my eyes with disgust. So dramatic, annoying, selfish and self pitying. Yuck. Not my cup of tea.

Except… I felt like this several times over the last few days.

Halloween was planned and sorted. Outfits bought, pumpkins carved, sweets stocked up. I packed all the kids up and had a little mission to do before we picked up the eldest play date to go bowling. I need to return a monkey to our speech therapist that Canon had liberated the night before. Ok so far so normal, my first used to liberate items regularly when he was 4 (I took it very seriously then). I needed to go to the bank and grab a coffee. What was I thinking? The meltdown started in Starbucks, carried on down the road and crescendoed outside WHSmith where I had to wrestle him several times to grab back the chocolate Gruffalo. I coped ok at first but as we did the long walk down a busy high street with the whole street staring at us ( he is loud) I started to feel really angry. This melt down was about chocolate. I had bought him a kinder egg to start what a mistake. He wanted more, grabbing at it in Starbucks and just screaming from beginning to end. No I will not just keep buying him chocolate to shut him up for an easy life. No that is not how I raised Raf and will not be how I raise any of them. ARgh.

I always have this horrible feeling after his meltdown. Guilt, anger, regret, sadness. I often have a cry when I manage to get away from everyone’s accusing cold and judgemental stares. I did in the car. Canon still screaming, baby Sol screaming now freaked out and my eldest confused and upset but trying to act cool. It always feels like my fault. Shoulda woulda coulda.

Anyway so far so not great. I arrive to pick up Rafs mate properly red eyed to take them ALL bowling. Oh yay. Can’t wait.

Bowling was not too bad though with juggling the baby and trying to encourage, strike that, make Canon take his bowling turns. I think he must not hate it as he does partake mostly willingly and there is not much he will partake in at all so… Anyway it doesn’t go to bad. I even have a game of air hockey with Can in the arcade. A proper first. Whoo hoo. I ignore all screaming for chocolate and stupid vending machine toys ( whoever invented this shit can we make suffer please?) We go home I make pizza. Canon has ABA, the baby has a sleep and Raf is happy messing about with his friend. I make pumpkin soup too. Keeping the dream alive. Doing great. Get everyone dressed. I am a witch, fitting for my day. We are going to our friends house to go as a group. I forget to take photos. : ( It’s all too crazy.

i should have just lit our candles and taken the kids around our neighbourhood. It was all a bit of nightmare really. I couldn’t really keep up with them all with the baby in his pram and 4yr old Canon in his superman suit. Refused everything else completely except that, but he looked fab. He hardly got to do any trick or treating as we got so far behind. I should have stopped and taken a bit of control back bless him, he was happy chomping through some of the sweets he had oobviously liberated (hmmm again) from their house before we set out.. After an hour and half we finally got to Jonathan Ross’s house (he always goes all out at Halloween which is lovely) which was crazy busy so Canon hated it. And then we traipsed to someone else’s house at super speed. I knew we were in trouble again. I can feel the hard times coming now, there were tons of people, dogs, doors ringing. The baby is not asleep and crying. Canon is starting to get agitated and Raf is hyper. They are offering me a glass of wine, I laugh. Errr no love. I am up anxiety alley, my kid is about to rip down all your decor and has just handed your dog a toffee apple, sorry, the baby is climbing up the stairs. Argh I need to go. its 8pm. We are about 2 miles from my car. To top it off the kid whose house we are in has practically just pushed Canon down the stairs and there is an energy to him I am not feeling. Turns out he had taken our kids sweets, dunked one in the shower. I say to my lovely friend I have to go, no no stay she is insisting, we will all go together soon. I tell her firmly I need to go. All three kids are not ok so they decide to all leave, I feel a bit bad but so glad to be out in the fresh air heading home. Canon bless him is up the wall, running, shouting, hitting and completely unaware of roads. Someone pushes the pram, someone holds the baby who is still crying whilst I chase Canon. I feel like crying again. I am knackered.

Finally home. It takes a while to get them settled. I have a bit of a go Raf, which was a bit mean, about defending Canon. The older boys were not nice to him and he didn’t defend him. Whilst I accept Raf is not going to wait and include him, I don’t accept that he doesn’t stick up for him. He cries which confuses me as I didn’t see it coming, excellent work love.

I went to work on Saturday until 2 then watched Spider-Man with the kids, sort of whilst baby chasing and cooking etc. I decide we should all go out to watch the fireworks at Ally Pally, well on a nearby hill as we don’t have tickets. As we are waiting Canon trips on something, bangs his head on a rock and there is blood. I am no good with blood. Mike tells me it’s ok but I take him to hospital where he gets glued up ( I had no idea they used glue now!.? Anyway thank god as the nurse told me he would have had to be out for them to stitch him up as he was very agitated in the hospital). I get into bed and I think to myself this is not a life as the baby cries waking up. He’s teething.

i do it all again today, this is my life. I am lucky in so many ways but I am knackered. I need to take a month off and regroup, make better choices. Yeah right.


Now I’m not a big fan of shame. Shame shuts us down and disconnects us. It strangles the loving living breathing energy out of beautiful things. So saying that I am still tempted to call this post “we should be ashamed” I haven’t yet but I probably will because I feel disappointed that on a global scale we act in such a way that I am ashamed of us. Maybe it is disappointed. Maybe I can do with away with shame it won’t bloody help. Let me explain.

I have been listening to LBC a lot recently. I know I know it’s such a BAAaaAad habit because it is designed to escalate, as my wonderful wise psychosynthesis therapist Viv explained today. It bloody escalates me at times, shouting at the radio lol. In general though I have it on when I am designing jewellery for clients, I do this by hand quite painstakingly measured using graph paper and tracing paper and I find it good to have some noise in the background, enter LBC. Most of the time I can laugh, it is funny how opinionated we all are, me included. We are a funny bunch. But there is something painful for me, I have to laugh or otherwise I may well cry. Really.

What the bloody hell am I on. Well I would hope to be on the side of love and good living. These new narratives about Russia and it’s mad, dangerous gangster el presidentay. Yes that nutter who annexes innocent countries we must stop him before he is unstoppable. What do I hear? Fear mongering. Isis oooo people are getting whipped up into a frenzy by monsters hacking heads off, masked animals. This rhetoric just doesn’t feel right to me. Why are we being whipped up again? Call me a paranoid conspirisist if you must but I just see and hear another way for some folk to go ahead and also carry out acts that none us sane and happy and loved up would allow on our watch.

I don’t know who Isis are but I sure as hell don’t buy this strange one sided story we are being force fed. Ok ok I could obviously turn off the radio but I can’t I am transfixed. Again. Again we are called to arms by dubious wierd and slightly mad stories. Weapons of mass destruction hoho we all know that one, don’t get me started. I am started. And i am still way back ten steps behind waving my hands in the air, looking around. who is with me? I am here thinking who the hell are we to say who can and can’t have these bloody weapons? How bloody dare we declare that certain countries can and certain countries can’t! So bloody what if he does? if you put Tony, Sadam and George in a room i am not sure who would appear the most nuts. In bloody furiating. The devastating arrogance. Point your finger and point three back at yourself – never a truer word spoken. Where is the basic self awareness? What the hell are we thinking? Until we stop, really take responsibility for some stupid horrifying choices we have made towards others in the world there will be hatred. Distrust and disgust, I don’t bloody blame them. I would be fucking scared too if I lived in these countries. War on terror! i know who I was more bloody terrified of, pah the whole bloody lot of us were complicit in this one. We are not doing enough to stop these oiled greasy ugly and terrifying machines of words infect us. Not in my name. What a great name for the campaign. Right back in the beginning not in my name. Right back to the know it all arrogance of Europe and the US, the United Nations of arrogance.

Do not get me wrong this nutcase hacking people’s heads off is literally unbearable. Why is he doing it? What does he want and why does he want it? Do I trust the story that this crazy frenzied Islamic army just whirlwinded in from nowhere to threaten us specifically and rampage through the Middle East? That British Muslims, women and children living amongst us are leaving in droves to hack the infidels up? They are monsters, animals, sheer terror to wage war on. They will return blood thirsty. FEAR. I don’t believe in making fear based decisions. There will be no love involved and more generations of us will live the consequences… Fear breeds fear. Let us not respond to this nasty guy beheading people, he is high off the fame andpower we have given him.

Let us not let him, this incomprehensible figure set the global agenda.