Precious Identity

by kat1616

This was the title of my MA in jewellery design. Yes ok an MA in jewellery design is not exactly rocket science but I really enjoyed doing it and it was actually pleasantly important for me to find deeper levels to my chosen profession. So back to our precious identity, a topic close to my heart.

I am thinking a lot about identity again today. I’ve been listening to Israelis and Palestinians justifying their actions on radio phone ins (i know i should just listen to bloody pharell or something fun) and reading blogs by adult autistics and parents of autistic children for the last hour or two. I read an amazing very thought provoking blog here..
And I got to thinking about myself and how I grew up. I relate to so many of the feelings adult autistics express, the shame, the trying to be normal, a feeling of just not being ok, of being good enough. All these things shaped me but when I read them expressed so eloquently by adult ‘autistics’ I suddenly can’t quite grasp the prism of reality that i feel familiar with and again its not simple for me where autism begins and ends. Great that I can relate, empathise and connect. A gift. But it leaves me feeling unsettled. Much better and more comfortable to have a probleM to solve than to be with the sticky mess of a life to live out. To deal with my own feelings in all this is hard. So enticing to stick to the “warrior mom” “advocating” and “fighting” than sticky messy mum bumbling along. Trying to hash out a good life for the imperfect family now steadily careering towards adulthood.
Bloody yikes.

Anyway back to identity (again ) it is the psychosynthesis model that has helped me to see clearly that with which I identify and that with which I form my identity. Through my identifications. Now if I had been given a label – autistic, Israeli, Palestinian, Muslim, (just my topics of interest today mind) from a young age I too would feel all that I have heard or read today. I would be identified. And through the nature of identifying I would dis identify with something else – in this case – a-typical, normal, Palestinian, Israeli etc
Again possibly not rocket science but to me quite simply profound.

When we make the conscious or unconscious choices to identify as or with something we are just as surely closing the door to the other. Over identification always pisses me off, in so many forms. No no no no no no. When i think of all the gorgeous young men I’ve met who act completely gay in every damn stereotype of the word arghhh I want to just sit them down with a nice cup of tea and tell them I think there is more, so much more to the story. Not many people reallt give a shit what you do in your sexlife. Anyway I shouldnt rant, should not judge, none of my damn business. Except pain seems to just tug on my sleeve and I just can’t seem to pass it by. And that is what it seems to me that over identification and not consciously exploring what you believe and hold so close as to shut others out causes – pain. I was lucky I believe not not be bought up in a religion, it has been an interesting journey exploring religion from the outside looking in. I see the beauty but I see the pain in not belonging or agreeing.

But where on earth does it leave you when you try to identify with everyone? When you don’t want to make choices that shut the door in someone’s face? Not sure. It’s probably impossible or highly disfunctional or maybe just very Buddhist lol to have no identifications however subtle, but to just be prepared to let them go for a little while and see how it feels to walk another path. That’s the order of today. I will not judge but i do just wish I could sit a few of those Israelis and Palestinians down for a nice cup of tea.

“The truth you believe and cling to makes you unavailable to hear anything new.”
Pema Chodron

I will try an remember this in every way as I raise my sons, especially the one who could become a word. Autism.