Ahhh yes I have been so reminded of this simple choice over these last few weeks. Love or fear. There is a choice. How easy it is to make all the major decisions from fear. How we have approached our response to my wee boys diagnosis of autism ostensibly from love but actually firmly rooted in fear. We must do anything we can so that he speaks I hear myself parrot out, from a warrior mum, advocating mum, thinking mum revolution – let me hear your voice kind of fighting talk mum (all names of books i soaked up upon diagnosis) We will go the ends of the earth, give up everything we own just to hear what you think or feel little one. Because we are scared. Scared he might never speak, that we will never understand this ununderstandable thing named autism, understand our own child and how he thinks, understand what has happened. Maybe it’s out fault, it must be… Injections, hormones, water, medications, drinking, shouting, smoking, ancient drug use, genes blah blah blah. All fear.
Love would be acceptance and well love.
It’s so bloody simple eh? Lol. But it isn’t it is bloody subtle in the busy old world. Sacrifice and suffeRing and unseLfish things are loving right? Hmmm maybe not?
I have come home a bit. I have read other people’s stories that haven’t quite fitted the paradigm of my little war on autism and how to rid my son of it. I am still committed to ABA but from love not fear. I will try and inject and inspire my tutors and my consultant with my new found lurve. Because ultimately, me a bloody side I want my lovely young son to be happy. Mike of course is still lamenting the curse put on his beautiful son. Sigh.
Every time I feel shitty, like today in John Lewis when CAnon was having a melt down because I wouldn’t let him open the box for the toy until we paid. Why I don’t know but I said he couldn’t and I had to stick to it. You are supposed to do that kind of thing as a parent right? Anyway the looks the judgements, the heat on my cheeks, I tried not to entertain the people around me and stay with my little lad in distress, firmly but with love. I felt rubbish, he felt rubbish. The lady at the till said he doesn’t like not getting is way eh? I said no not really but he has autism. Oh she said, we both felt a wierd relief. Doing my best, not going to be beaten by judgement and fear. Going to try and stick with the right and loving thing. I could make my life easier, who would know? Just me, the baby and Canon don’t care. The people in John Lewis would not have had to hear a very loud shouting Canon. What is the right thing? Lost sight but I am determined to find the right loving thing for us.
After John Lewis we had an excellent time at clown town. Fantastic. We chased each ther round on our hands and knees. That is more like it. Happy days.
I am determined to remember to come from love not fear in every part of my life. To reach out with love and possibly get it wrong but better than to sit back and not do anything through fear… To do things because you are so scared that your little boy is not normal will surely not end happily. To love and accept him and embrace him has got to be the happy place to be.
Coming from love. Simple but often not at all easy.