Month: July, 2014

Into the light

I seem to be taking the baton and going for it on this blog. I’m slightly impressed by myself. I think one person has read it but that’s cool. This might well go the way of many a thing before it in my life… Full speed ahead and then suddenly stopping and not looking back. It’s strangely comforting maybe like keeping a diary is to some folk? You have no clue where it is going. I can see the appeal at the mo : )

It’s all about stepping into the light. Today was the day to have some pretty honest and frank convos with my business partner. Maybe we can find our way back to friends. There is still love, quite a large proportion of resentment and a smattering of fed up but there was seismic shifts today. I hope. Part of my decision to make decisions yesterday. I didn’t do anything but say how I felt. Which is actually quite bloody hard sometimes as I don’t even know how I feel, it is out at sea on an emotional ocean crashing about and I can’t see a bloody thing. Some situations roll on like that for ages.

I am often crippled by a wealth of analytical judgemental and confused thoughts based in that never forgotten old companion self doubt, or low self esteem zzzzz so boring and dull. So privileged and well victimy. But the truth is it never ceases to amaze me the profound nature of having a base note of low self esteem when plodding on through life. Yes you can spend lots of time telling yourself you love and accept yourself (snigger) and I have done (eft) many many times, therapy for well over a decade and all manner of spiritual topping up, you can make it pretty shiny outside if you can be bothered which frankly I can’t (well a little : ) I do own a beauty salon thankfully) but the anxiety that you are probably not doing life right never ever leaves you. Maybe nor should it? I don’t think I know what life is without it. Maybe that’s normal maybe it’s not. It’s my normal for sure. The light for me is the truth about it, that’s the upshot of spending the time getting cosy with it. The light is telling my business partner in battle that I felt hurt and sad. The light is coming home and still doing everything I need to do, read stories to my kids even though one of them looks the other way and I’m not sure if he wants it or not. The light is being vulnerable, writing it down in a blog even though I am scared to be judged.

It’s a nice warm glow of genuinely feeling I am at least to thine own self being true.

Disconcerting days

It has been a disconcerting day and I realise these have become my norm more than the rarity I think I wish they were.
What has me so troubled? Decisions? These come thick and fast and I know they are my downfall. In that I bloody hate making them. WHAT IF…

When I drop the kids off at school Ling comes over, another mum but she knows Canon has autism as she volunteered at his preschool (this will be another post as I really don’t know what I am doing telling / not telling!?!) and starts talking to him very slowly. He ignores her completely and then just looks at her like hes embarassed for her. She probably means well but I wish she would stop as people are clocking her pretty out of character behaviour. I feel ok then I dont feel ok then I feel ok and try to decide to leave it there at ok. It does not matter if people know. It doesn’t. Except it does for lots of reasons.

It matters cos I probably havent quite fully accepted it myself in truth. I still think we can get him pretty normal – you gotta laugh as that just sounds so awful. I mean we can get him back? It matters cos I think maybe its something I did or didnt do right that has affected my baby : ( it matters cos I want him to fit in to this particularly sensible North London academic middle class school. (I know. We really dont fit in anyway even tho sometimes I admit I try ; ))

So after trying to leave it at ok we went to see a nursery up the road for the baby. As soon as we start talking to the jolly old Greek owneress I find myself rambling on about our middle son with autism and are they aware of it with thorough checks for any signs blah blah blah. Mike is holding Sol and I can feel him wanting to headbutt me but I cant stop. I know I have high anxiety about our baby. I know its probably natural and I allow myself to entertain it and share it but I am full of psychobabble law of attraction shite too. What an internal pickle.

Mike is however straight to the point furious he tells me in his thick Lebanese accent I am a f***ing jinx. In his world its quite simple I have super powers to jinx everyone. Dont get him started on his friend Eugene who basically commits fraud and I told him he would get arrested, when this inevitable outcome occurred it was you guessed it my fault the jinxer. Not Eugene the law breaking (but actually really lovely) fraudster. Anyway the nursery was lovely and would you believe it this never happens cheaper so far so good. Oh and the really sweet old owneress told me that my son who is 9 months was fine no autism there. Bless her. 10 out of 10 for effort.

We argued all the way home. I know he just needs someone to blame should the unthinkable occur. If he reads this he might actually self combust (more jinxing). To my defence…. The same week we must have conceived Sol was the first meeting where someone mentioned the autism word. It was me the jinxer incredulously telling the doctor asking us if Canon watched the washing machine spin around (he didnt) that my son did not have autism! To which he replied he would not rule it out. My world crumpled a bit. Cut to the week before I gave birth (10 long months not 9) when he was diagnosed with autism. What a journey of heart breaking denial. I finally cried for that whole week then I gave birth. The next day the jolly midwife comes around and cheerfully tells me both her sons have autism. Arghhh.Please go away. AND suddenly its everywhere – sibling autism. GO AWAY. Dont come back near the jinxer.

Ok back to today, the nursery is a done deal. Great so that wasn’t the indecision bit of the day just slightly eventful in my little world. The decisons are what school to send Canon to, whether to move my older one Rafael the confident pretty cool kid out of a school he is actually quite happy in. Loves his teacher and speaking a bit posher than he did when he started. The noise the lists the pros the cons drrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr my head is filling up. The school special needs coordinator rings me to see if I’ve decided and if I have heard anything from my wayward statement making borough (We attend an out of borough school now that we have moved – part of the reason to move school). Um. No.

I have to cut in Mike has just asked me if I am writing my blob. Yes my blob. That is probably about right.

The school is not the only decision. I have to find a new ABA supervisor as my tutors are threatening mutiny and lets face it I dont really have a clue what we need. I phone Laila – a supervisor that one of the therapists recommends and she is awesome. I want her to fight in my corner. Like a properly energetic organised and efficient positive sounding person. Just exactly the opposite to how I feel. She actually starts to feel like nectar from the Gods as I soak up her get off your arse vibe. Yes maybe I have been missing this in my life. Shes expensive but as she feels like nectar the gods are pouring down the phone line, or through the wifi weird waves that mean we can speak I manage to get her to come see us Thursday. Result. No pressure Laila. But now I’m panicking how to stop my existing programme supervisor a tad prematurely considering I have not even met her but as you can see I’m pretty sold. Indecision. Sigh I should have done this months and months ago. WHAT IF..

I really need to find the off button.

Mike has cooked Basella so I am free to fill in forms, lots of bloody forms for the kids. Then Sol is up fuming, another little tooth is coming and a sore bum. Bless him. We just sit on the sofa he wont have anything else. I cuddle him. After 5 minutes its like forced meditation as I run through my minds contents of stress and anxiety about all the things we have to do, most we cant as we dont have any money left but I like to keep them up front and cosy with all the other worries, problems at work, things I’ve forgotten to do, things I need to do,things I would like to do and things I dont do well. As soon as he seems happier I put him next to the toy basket and scribble off 5 lists. I cant help it.

A friend reminded me a mantra I know well.. when you dont know what to do dont do anything. oh yeah good one : )

My dad comes over. He’s here to watch the footy. We watch Argentina get lucky. The kids run riot. I try to stop Canon running in circles at the end of the garden, i kick the ball to him he says NO then runs off. I do what I always end up doing chasing and tickling him. I dont like him running circles. Bedtime. My dad reads Canon a story. Canon ignores him but he doesnt take it personally. He asks Canon lots of questions that are way beyond Canon as he always does. How are you? What have you been up to? Cant decide if I like this. Its hopeful but its painful.