by kat1616

I have been leaving my luscious boys quite a lot more than usual recently due to crazy work situations. I dont always find them luscious and sometimes believe you me I am happy to skip out the door just me unencumbered and go to work, oh the relief, oh the joy of buying a latte and smoking a roll up and thinking like a person who works. There are pros and cons however to owning your own business. The pros are generally flexibility and I get to have my own way : ) and the cons are responsibilityyyyyyy argh. When its ok its ok when it aint it aint. My mind has been full of relationship dynamics and replaying conversations this week, working out things. Culminating in my having to let one of my staff members go today which felt really sad. Then someone else gave in their notice. All very dramatic and all a bit ravaging on my delicate little being.

It is times like this that I so see the different parts of me come into play. For over 10 years my chosen model for growth has been psychosynthesis, I love it – so gentle, so relaxed and so doesn’t tell me that I should be… It just mirrors beautifully who I am. Anyway the model is very much different parts of us need different things, genius. So simple and beautiful. So there is part of me that is very capable, a kind of confident creature who makes decisions quickly and jumps into things no probs. This part of me made a pretty quick decision today (where other much more sensitive, sentimental and “kind” parts would have drawn things out for oh probably years lol) to tell a member of our team that it wasn’t working. That part of me knew damn well it was right. It needed to happen for us and for her. It really was not working. Amazing how the situation had affected (or effected I really need to learn which one to use when) all the staff and the energy. That helped I suppose. The other staff member who quit also needed to go but I got emeshed and well probably manipulated. It has gone too far, too emotional. Tears, pain and anger just dont scare me they compell me, pierce me and I cant help but to try to help, to reach out. One can only go so far I suppose, in my heart in this situation I am open, I am willing, I want to understand but it is not enough. It kind of makes it more raw and painful than strictly necessary in a work environment. I remember I cannot rescue and I will not persecute. I will also choose not to be a victim, no pennies for the pity pot today. I will pray tonight that it is the right thing for them and that different and lovely things will come their way. Things run their course I suppose and it is not for me to constantly over extend. It is ok. They will hopefully and God willing be ok. I am not the centre of the world.

Anyway so work and home. Womanhood and motherhood. The balancing act. The spinning plate act is more accurate actually. Keeping it all going, exhausting. I think of my brother now, the buddhist, he would think it ridiculous. He would look at me and smile amusedly. It probably is but I made a decision long ago to be a totally ridiculous human. I do love the ridiculousness it makes me chuckle and it is something to do. Anyway back to the ridiculous circus of keeping houses, cars, kids and businesses going…. Is that it does make me disconnected. Disconnected from my kids and disconnected from my self. Physically and mentally. I came home today from work in pain (wisdom tooth removed a few days ago), with a pounding headache feeling totally empty. My poor kids. Its not cool, just about did what I needed to do re feeding, bathing and bed and interacting but it was pretty hollow. Pretty shoddy.

Why is this important? This is important because this is the jump off point. I know this point. The jump off point for me is the point where I can engage, learn, see, open to something or not, no one would ever know if I did, or even that there was a decision and no one would judge. There are no browny points or medals for for digging a bit deeper and keeping an open heart. Even when it doesn’t have a good end result. Even when it is hard to make it work and you feel vulnerable. I feel this at work and at home today. Tired, fed up boo hoo.

Can I try to learn from the difficult feelings, from the disconnected actions? Surely. Can I do things differently? SURELY?

And where are you in all this? I hear my wonderful therapist Viv say.

We laugh haha you know me I say.

Yes I know you Kat.

I say what I always say.. Or waffle what I always waffle.

I’m going to try to go see my acupuncturist or start a yoga class just for me this week. Yes this week. I must I need to. I smile feebly.

Great when? She smile sighs