Silence

by kat1616

I’m am sitting here in our adult only front room, our dog Lulu curled up beside me, not snoring for once, in peace! It’s only 8.15pm! Wow. This is a first in the new house : )
Btw our adult front room is anything but that with toys and papers everywhere hoho. It was a plan to have one room with adult taste and lovely things everywhere but somehow this is the room we all end up in. It’s better that way I’m sure.
Anyway back to the silence. Mike has taken Rafi away for a few days and I am with the wee ones. Silence was not something I pictured in this scenario but it is appreciated. I can sit quietly on my iPad which is actually charged still and reeeellllaaaxxx. Nice. Amazing. Mike and Raf must be the noisy culprits after all. Washing is in, kitchen cleaned, my bath is run. Baby Sol is sound asleep. Canon is tucked up in bed but probably not asleep bless him. As I read him his story tonight I wondered what he understood? It was pretty wordy so tonight I sort of half read and half explained the pictures. I feel guilty for that but pretty sure he doesn’t mind. Halfway through our good nights to everyone close to Canon and his entire toy entourage he turned and said goodnight mummy and sorta pushed me gently out the bed. Ok. Wonder what he thinks…
I actually went out a few times this weekend, both Friday and Saturday night! I know. Reckless.

Friday night I went to Rafis class party, parents only. Mike babysat. Not his sort of thing. It was great, everyone relaxed after a few drinks and I feel like I know people a little better. I was panicking en route as when I looked up the email for the address it said bring a dish. Whoops. How come I didn’t see that before? I bought wine and flowers en route. Oh well. Probably best I would have had anxiety and overdone it. Mike would have been pissed at my attention to food creation for someone else and not him or us. He hates it when I bake cakes for the school lol. I spose I get it. I find it quite hard to really go all out for just old us! Maybe I should food blog instead, he would love that. I could do one of those house hold blogs that make me warm and gooey when I accidentally come across them searching for recipes or home ideas. I’m just too messy for that probably. It would be nice to do all that for the love of the family – not to share with the world though surely? I will try harder at home. Keep the heart warm and glowing.

Anyway back to the party. Met two autism parents. OMG. Who knew? In my own class lol! It’s a whole new world. Amazing. What really threw me about this is that I am guilty of not bloody getting it. One of the parents has another son in the same school and get this, one of the girls in his class I genuinely had no idea! I think my impression was that she was serious, quiet and studious. Maybe a little blank looking sometimes. So now why I feel really bad is this: when we first joined the class my rebellious side obviously kicked in and I threw Rafael, 5 an underage rave. I know genius right? Ummm. Well anyway the theme was the acid face (kids don’t know come on its just a happy face!) so cake, going home bags, I made all the little fairy cakes with yellow ice and smiley faces they were good if I don’t say so myself, glow in The dark bracelets, and Dj with flashing lights. It was fun. Anyway I got some of my pals to come help out and Kriss, my gorgeous friend was amazed at how good all the kids were but I remember her specific interaction with one little girl who told her she wanted to go home : ( Kriss always remembers that when we talk about the school, like the idea we sort of had was the kids couldn’t relax and enjoy it. Too hardworking we thought. Not enough fun we thought. Kriss’s exact word were too vanilla. This was all in the context of Rafi being a bit more loud and cheeky than anyone else btw lets get it straight, tese were honest good defensive intentions : ). Anyway lesson learnt AGAIN. Do not bloody judge. That little girl I find out actually has, probably quite high functioning, autism. Wow now don’t I think she is amazing. As a side note I remember thinking my little Canon would love that rave as he loves a crazy dance at home but he bloody hated it bless him, I was a bit dismayed. This was way before any idea that anything was up with little Canon.

So major good humbling revelations aside, there was gossip, which I honestly make an effort to not partake in, see the above story which is one of a million times I have learned judging is a foolish pastime, and it comes in more subtler forms than blatant gossiping. I did hear a few stories about a mum who has given me a hard time before, it felt good as I felt a little bit vindicated in my thoughts about her when she had a good go at me about my son, but u know what, bless her. Gonna try not to jump on the bandwagon. Not my business. Rafi had a glowing school report that day and I had glowing reports about him from other parents. : )))) I love my little Raf but he has not had an abundance of glowing reports in his achool career : ) so I was really chuffed. He is really growing into a lovely boy. We got into a bit of a negative space with Raf a few years ago so this is really fantastic for us. What’s good too is that I can talk honestly and openly about this to the other parents. I am not mired in shame. I am not in defence or prosecution mode. I am in imperfect mode which is actually a lot prettier.

Maybe other parents have not really trod the shame road I have, again how would one know? I only know that one bad behaviour from poor Raf literally pulled the carpet from under me. It’s my fault, mikes fault, my fault for making the irresponsible choice to bring Raf into our totally unprepared world, for not getting it right as usual. My kids are angels anything that happens that’s bad is my fault. This was before canon. Once it was clear things were not ok with Canon the house came crashing down as the carpet was wripped from under me / us.

It’s all our fault. The VERY drunken night of conception, the stress of opening a business through pregnancy, unbearable relationship with friend / business partner, difficult birth (I actually held him in so I didn’t have him in the lift), vaccines, lack of attention, arguing at home, when we lost mikes dad… Oh you can catch the drift. It is an endless pointless list of what ifs and heartache. I have been known to indulge it solo and with mike countless times. There is a point to it though. Eyes on our own plates. We can always make different choices and do it better. As long as we do the best we can baby Sol is in the hands of the Gods.

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