I know that I just don’t bloody know…
I don’t even know what to call this entry. I’m sad and exhausted.
Canon just had a melt down at bedtime. It was quite terrifying how anxious and unhappy he seems. He has taken to lining all his teddies up. His Winnie the poohs, triggers, gruffalos, Sullys and Mikes. I call them his entourage and he doesn’t like anyone to mess with them. Even our baby Sol whom he loves he shouts at when he comes near. It’s the first time he has been like this with toys so in some ways I was happy that he was engaging with the characters and toys. He didn’t used to care about anything at one stage seemingly. As usual he was shouting, and canon shouts really bloody loud. Serious. I call it the Lebanese volume as Mike is pretty loud most of the time so is Raf. We are a pretty noisy household I suppose. Lucky we don’t still live in a flat. Poor neighbours. Anyway he lost it. I felt anxious. The baby is sleeping next door and he is screaming at the top of his lungs. It’s 9 o’clock at night and I’m panicking. I pack away some of the toys to make some space for him to sleep and he is losing it. I have to manhandle him a bit and I can feel myself getting angry and anxious too. I confiscate the toys. This behaviour is unacceptable. its so shocking it has me freaking out inside. As I’m telling him to be quiet the baby is sleeping I don’t think he understands. I really don’t. As i leave with some of the toys he is screaming the house down. Mike comes up the stairs and slaps him firmly on his cheek. He stops shouting and looks so sad I burst out crying. He is crying. It’s a bloody mess. I hate this. It feels like hell. Mike says he has to stop him, bring him back (Mike grew up in the war in Beirut he’s pretty tough and seen much worse, that’s what they would do when someone is freaking out “wake them up” he would say). I don’t think I agree but I don’t know what else to do. It’s just a mess. Canon is not ok and I am crying my eyes out. canon is crying and looking so sad that I am crying. I am cuddling him and trying to comfort him I feel awful. I know he can’t help it, it’s not him being naughty it’s his anxiety and stress is overwhelming him and us. We are failing him and he is failing us. We dont understand him or whats happening any more than he does. It is just devastating. Rafi comes in and is so sad I am crying and Canon is crying and Mike is beaten.
Canon asks for his blanket stuffs it in his mouth and let’s me put on his pyjamas. I put him in bed and I lie cuddling him. We are both still crying. I hold him tight and tell him I love him 100 times trying to ensure that he knows and feels that I do. I want everything and everything to be ok for him. I am determined to salvage my plan of tucking him in and reading a nice story so I reach for a stack of new Winnie the Pooh books we picked up today for 20p each at the school fair. He chooses one and I read it. There is lots of text and I determinedly read every page. We name all the characters and he says some of the words after me. He is calm, still troubled but calm. I don’t think he understands the story but maybe he does. That is the thing though… that I just don’t know. I don’t know what’s happened I don’t know what’s going to happen, I don’t know how best to respond to him and I don’t know him, I don’t know what he thinks I don’t know how he feels. I only try and guess at it but he can’t tell me set me straight and I know I make assumptions. I am his mother I am sure I often get it right, he is my soft spot but when am I getting it wrong? I have no confidence that I know anything for sure anymore. This autism has rattled me to the core.
I kiss him goodnight and rub his little nose and go downstairs to smoke a roll up. I sit in the garden and cry. Mike has gone straight to bed. He will be feeling like shit. He is a brilliant dad. Not perfect, definitely not North London but he is doing the best he can. I come in make a cup of tea call in Raf and give him lots of cuddles too. What must this be like for him? I talk to him I hope he hears me. He’s a good kid. There is so much love in this house how can it feel like such a bloody mess. I just don’t know.