Into the light

by kat1616

I seem to be taking the baton and going for it on this blog. I’m slightly impressed by myself. I think one person has read it but that’s cool. This might well go the way of many a thing before it in my life… Full speed ahead and then suddenly stopping and not looking back. It’s strangely comforting maybe like keeping a diary is to some folk? You have no clue where it is going. I can see the appeal at the mo : )

It’s all about stepping into the light. Today was the day to have some pretty honest and frank convos with my business partner. Maybe we can find our way back to friends. There is still love, quite a large proportion of resentment and a smattering of fed up but there was seismic shifts today. I hope. Part of my decision to make decisions yesterday. I didn’t do anything but say how I felt. Which is actually quite bloody hard sometimes as I don’t even know how I feel, it is out at sea on an emotional ocean crashing about and I can’t see a bloody thing. Some situations roll on like that for ages.

I am often crippled by a wealth of analytical judgemental and confused thoughts based in that never forgotten old companion self doubt, or low self esteem zzzzz so boring and dull. So privileged and well victimy. But the truth is it never ceases to amaze me the profound nature of having a base note of low self esteem when plodding on through life. Yes you can spend lots of time telling yourself you love and accept yourself (snigger) and I have done (eft) many many times, therapy for well over a decade and all manner of spiritual topping up, you can make it pretty shiny outside if you can be bothered which frankly I can’t (well a little : ) I do own a beauty salon thankfully) but the anxiety that you are probably not doing life right never ever leaves you. Maybe nor should it? I don’t think I know what life is without it. Maybe that’s normal maybe it’s not. It’s my normal for sure. The light for me is the truth about it, that’s the upshot of spending the time getting cosy with it. The light is telling my business partner in battle that I felt hurt and sad. The light is coming home and still doing everything I need to do, read stories to my kids even though one of them looks the other way and I’m not sure if he wants it or not. The light is being vulnerable, writing it down in a blog even though I am scared to be judged.

It’s a nice warm glow of genuinely feeling I am at least to thine own self being true.