unitedinsite

Month: July, 2014

Why are people always so damned sure?

I am so tired from another day at work and late nights watching videos on youtube about Isis, Palestine and Ukraine. Just so bloody depressing. What is with the world right now? It feels like it is imploding. I do watch alternative point of view videos on the Internet, commonly referred to as ‘conspiracy’. I suppose it depends on your point of view what media you might refer to as conspiracy. Not sure I would trust anything I see as THE TRUTH. I have always felt thus. I remember sitting in my history class and being taught for like a year about a nasty fat king who killed all his wives (of all the history to be taught huh?) and thinking, how do you know? I mean for sure like you are telling us THE TRUTH. So sure. People are just so damned sure.

I listen to LBC on my mum taxi-ing service as frankly after a while I need some adult conversation. Today I picked up some debate over the Israel-Palestine-Hamas situation. I tend to argue back at the callers or presenter out loud quite a bit, sad I know but since I’m in the car or covered in kids or work I can’t call so that’s it I talk to the radio : ) I am never ceased to be amazed at how sure people are. It would be cute if it wasn’t so horrifyingly dangerous. I feel about the situation thus: google Irael Palestine map timeline. Say no more. It has happened. It was allowed to happen. People don’t like it but it has happened. Palestine is nothing now, bless them. There is bad blood, from both sides but Israel needs to open their heart. They have been granted a lot, be grateful and be generous with your thoughts and actions. The futile rockets Palestine are launching is just that : futile. They have faced a battle for the land they thought was theirs and lost, relegated to a tiny corner. It’s sad and we all know futile. This is not about Jews and Muslims, they live together on my damn road, in my postcode and in my city side by side. Happily, peacefully. This is about land and blood. Only time, compassion and generosity can cure the ailment. With each person, with each beautiful child that dies comes more and more time that it will take to heal. How can people forgive that? how will peope not want to fight? So so desperately sad.

I also just read an article in the paper on Isis with pictures of these black shrouded figures rounding up these lovely young men in Iraq and slaughtering them. I cried when I read it. That is my brother, my son, my partner or my friend. Treated in a way so inconceivable to me in my little North London bubble that I can’t comprehend it. Literally. I can’t see how it could ever happen? Literally. No words. Mike, my other half, grew up in Beirut during the war and is much more matter of fact. It’s hot and they have guns, they are hot headed. He knows this life, he knows what’s its like for half the city to want the other half killed. To see blood shed and see red. To not care for another’s life. To want revenge.

A part of me would love to believe in the conspiracy theories whole heartedly but I can’t. To believe fully that this is all a plan. Demonise Russia and keep them busy in Ukraine whilst Syria and Iraq implode and Iran is pulled in. One Isalmaic state is declared and Israel can be justified in Nuclear response. Terrifying vision. New world governments formed to the agenda of a few. I can see its possibilities. It is true to some extent certainly. The trillionaire billionaire gazillionaire families and individuals who just seem so damn sure. The real owners of our banks, homes and money. The celebrity do gooders- Gates and his vaccine programmes, Oprah and her population control speeches. Terrifying! Who are these people, again beyond my comprehension the power they have been given. Maybe some is genuinely well intentioned and maybe some is just damn evil.

That is what my lovely step sister reminded me that I am pondering and dabbling in in my hobby to entertain these ideas, the age old good and evil. Light and dark. I am not just preoccupied with my own plight, how to pay our bills and expenses, what to do for our kids, what to watch on telly, what to eat yes that takes up probably 98% of my time. Whilst this 2% I dabble in is so unsettling and well harrowing that I don’t know where to go with it. I hear my dads voice now… What are you going to do about it? Well yes dad what the hell can I do about it? Can I do anything? Is there anything other than getting stressed, shouting at radios and asking God that I can do about the state of the world? It’s a bloody good question.

I am really not sure.

Advertisements

Disconnection

I have been leaving my luscious boys quite a lot more than usual recently due to crazy work situations. I dont always find them luscious and sometimes believe you me I am happy to skip out the door just me unencumbered and go to work, oh the relief, oh the joy of buying a latte and smoking a roll up and thinking like a person who works. There are pros and cons however to owning your own business. The pros are generally flexibility and I get to have my own way : ) and the cons are responsibilityyyyyyy argh. When its ok its ok when it aint it aint. My mind has been full of relationship dynamics and replaying conversations this week, working out things. Culminating in my having to let one of my staff members go today which felt really sad. Then someone else gave in their notice. All very dramatic and all a bit ravaging on my delicate little being.

It is times like this that I so see the different parts of me come into play. For over 10 years my chosen model for growth has been psychosynthesis, I love it – so gentle, so relaxed and so doesn’t tell me that I should be… It just mirrors beautifully who I am. Anyway the model is very much different parts of us need different things, genius. So simple and beautiful. So there is part of me that is very capable, a kind of confident creature who makes decisions quickly and jumps into things no probs. This part of me made a pretty quick decision today (where other much more sensitive, sentimental and “kind” parts would have drawn things out for oh probably years lol) to tell a member of our team that it wasn’t working. That part of me knew damn well it was right. It needed to happen for us and for her. It really was not working. Amazing how the situation had affected (or effected I really need to learn which one to use when) all the staff and the energy. That helped I suppose. The other staff member who quit also needed to go but I got emeshed and well probably manipulated. It has gone too far, too emotional. Tears, pain and anger just dont scare me they compell me, pierce me and I cant help but to try to help, to reach out. One can only go so far I suppose, in my heart in this situation I am open, I am willing, I want to understand but it is not enough. It kind of makes it more raw and painful than strictly necessary in a work environment. I remember I cannot rescue and I will not persecute. I will also choose not to be a victim, no pennies for the pity pot today. I will pray tonight that it is the right thing for them and that different and lovely things will come their way. Things run their course I suppose and it is not for me to constantly over extend. It is ok. They will hopefully and God willing be ok. I am not the centre of the world.

Anyway so work and home. Womanhood and motherhood. The balancing act. The spinning plate act is more accurate actually. Keeping it all going, exhausting. I think of my brother now, the buddhist, he would think it ridiculous. He would look at me and smile amusedly. It probably is but I made a decision long ago to be a totally ridiculous human. I do love the ridiculousness it makes me chuckle and it is something to do. Anyway back to the ridiculous circus of keeping houses, cars, kids and businesses going…. Is that it does make me disconnected. Disconnected from my kids and disconnected from my self. Physically and mentally. I came home today from work in pain (wisdom tooth removed a few days ago), with a pounding headache feeling totally empty. My poor kids. Its not cool, just about did what I needed to do re feeding, bathing and bed and interacting but it was pretty hollow. Pretty shoddy.

Why is this important? This is important because this is the jump off point. I know this point. The jump off point for me is the point where I can engage, learn, see, open to something or not, no one would ever know if I did, or even that there was a decision and no one would judge. There are no browny points or medals for for digging a bit deeper and keeping an open heart. Even when it doesn’t have a good end result. Even when it is hard to make it work and you feel vulnerable. I feel this at work and at home today. Tired, fed up boo hoo.

Can I try to learn from the difficult feelings, from the disconnected actions? Surely. Can I do things differently? SURELY?

And where are you in all this? I hear my wonderful therapist Viv say.

We laugh haha you know me I say.

Yes I know you Kat.

I say what I always say.. Or waffle what I always waffle.

I’m going to try to go see my acupuncturist or start a yoga class just for me this week. Yes this week. I must I need to. I smile feebly.

Great when? She smile sighs

Ummmmm

Holidays ipads and youtube

The boys are on holiday now. There has been a lot of bouncing on our new trampoline, eating and lazing on ipads. Its been great weather so lots of garden and park life too. A lot of social engagements for Mr Raf, he is a busy little soul. He is spending hours now watching Minecraft videos on youtube when he is “relaxing”. No one watches telly anymore now the footie is finished boo, no one watched family film night tonight. Boo. Sacred family screen bonding time wasted. We all sat on our ipads in front of a dejected screening of ET. I looked up and thought oh dear before I plunged back in. I am researching beauty stuff and shop display for the salon, Raf is watching these quite annoying guys waffling on about minecraft while Canon has just started watching endless videos of people openingĀ  chocolate surprise eggs. Really ? Who bloody knew? How he found them I dont actually know so will have to hide ipads, again. Lol this always happens particularly in holidays, I will then forget where they are and spend days trying to find the damned things. I am obviously a good hider though which is good to know : )

Anyway the internet is far too wierd to allow my little friends to just sit uninterupted. Once Rafi told me he had seen something really really unpleasant in the middle of a moshi monster film on youtube. I wont elaborate, this is a safe space. But. Gross. So beware. Be aware. I will try harder than tonight too.

I really want to talk about parenting and some stuff I have read and thinking about recently. I wanted to talk about the choices we are making and not making and thus the shaping and forming. What a responsibility. I really want to explore what I think is the new way of viewing education and especially further education. I wanted to talk about ABA and GAPS diet mind f*** dilemmas. And how I gave Canon gluten today as I just cant find any nice noodles for him to go with the stir fry. But I am knackered. Still no one reads this yet so I’m sure no one minds.

Tears of joy

Today Canon had his first class assembly. I have to say i was not wildly excited at the prospect. The TA has been telling me for weeks they have been practicing and singing the songs for Jack and the Beanstalk. Great I thought. He was engaging and enjoying the songs. Lovely. To be on the stage in front of everyone? Hmmm I was not convinced he was going to be able to do that. I didn’t think about it too much, I had a little anxiety as we queued and I saw how many parents there were and all the other classes troop in. Uh oh. I sat at the back. I hoped he would see me and feel supported but equally that he wouldn’t see me and run off the stage. I saw him at the top of the stairs putting up a little fight with TA uh oh. When e finally came on the stage he did see me and i gave him a silent cheer and he grinned back but stayed where he was! It was brilliant, from the start then to the end. He was so super. I was videoing luckily so no one could see the tears rolling down my cheeks. No mum has felt prouder. He was so so sweet the way he was copying the actions and words, of course he didn’t know most of them but he was trying so hard and the best bit he looked like he was actually having a great old time. I see bright lights in his future lol! He do a little gazing off or hopping on the spot, his little quirks I know so well that no one really ever notices and they looked even full of joy. What a little star.

Beauty

Today I took Canon to his homeopath on Fulham Road and I wanted to share the beautiful side of him/autism and wherever that begins and ends. As we walked up the road to the cashpoint he holds my hand like a gorgeous boy that he is and we see this giant penguin outside a cafe. Canon says wow and stops he looks at the penguin for a few seconds and then leans in and gives the back of that big lump of plastic a big hug. A woman sitting just inside grins, I grin like a crazy person and we say bye bye penguin. I love that kid so much. It was so beautiful and simple. When we passed by again he did it again and I felt like the luckiest mum in the world. It’s the little things in life that can give the greatest pleasure.

I really like this homeopathist (not sure that’s the title but it works) she is great and has really helped me with some overwhelming feelings, anger and a kind of tired foggy haze that has me reaching for hot milky drinks and cookies lol. She really met me, I say that in the deepest sense of meeting someone. I felt met and understood straight away. We have seen real improvements in some of Canons behaviours with Homeopathy, previously with Alan Freestone and now with Malgosia. It really is worth a go whoever you are. I know some people think its wacky but the world and everyone in it are totally nuts. You only have to look at the daily mail online or a turkey (so funny looking : )) to be reminded of this. Better than taking pharmaceuticals at any rate. Not really sure exactly how homeopathy or cranial or even acupuncture work but I trust them instinctively and have personally had great healing for an array of issues both physical and mental.

The things I really want to still do for Canon are to finish Canons NAET sessions with Ann @ Caring For You, OT at somewhere like Hemisphere in Surrey, some more cranial with the brilliant Isabelle De Rehya, see a proper nutritionist to work OT some simple dietary issues and possible supplements and horse riding! I also think Canon might be really musical so I would love to explore that with him. We follow just a gluten free diet with Canon, originally it was dairy too but we reintroduced it and didn’t see any major issues. We sometimes feel he stims more when he has something with soya lecithin in, maybe we imagine it, God knows this is no scientific approach but we try to avoid anything with this in. We are not crazy rigid on his diet, maybe we should be but he is not allergic but we did feel there was some improvement.

Someone gave me a link recently to a cool article on autism treatments…

http://infectiousbehavior.wordpress.com/2013/09/15/summary-of-autism-treatments/#comments

I started out looking at biomedical interventions to cure, now I will do what I feel leads to good health and helps him regulate. Maybe it’s just today but I feel more relaxed. There is this beauty to Canon that I would not change for the world. We are lucky and blessed to have him.

Silence

I’m am sitting here in our adult only front room, our dog Lulu curled up beside me, not snoring for once, in peace! It’s only 8.15pm! Wow. This is a first in the new house : )
Btw our adult front room is anything but that with toys and papers everywhere hoho. It was a plan to have one room with adult taste and lovely things everywhere but somehow this is the room we all end up in. It’s better that way I’m sure.
Anyway back to the silence. Mike has taken Rafi away for a few days and I am with the wee ones. Silence was not something I pictured in this scenario but it is appreciated. I can sit quietly on my iPad which is actually charged still and reeeellllaaaxxx. Nice. Amazing. Mike and Raf must be the noisy culprits after all. Washing is in, kitchen cleaned, my bath is run. Baby Sol is sound asleep. Canon is tucked up in bed but probably not asleep bless him. As I read him his story tonight I wondered what he understood? It was pretty wordy so tonight I sort of half read and half explained the pictures. I feel guilty for that but pretty sure he doesn’t mind. Halfway through our good nights to everyone close to Canon and his entire toy entourage he turned and said goodnight mummy and sorta pushed me gently out the bed. Ok. Wonder what he thinks…
I actually went out a few times this weekend, both Friday and Saturday night! I know. Reckless.

Friday night I went to Rafis class party, parents only. Mike babysat. Not his sort of thing. It was great, everyone relaxed after a few drinks and I feel like I know people a little better. I was panicking en route as when I looked up the email for the address it said bring a dish. Whoops. How come I didn’t see that before? I bought wine and flowers en route. Oh well. Probably best I would have had anxiety and overdone it. Mike would have been pissed at my attention to food creation for someone else and not him or us. He hates it when I bake cakes for the school lol. I spose I get it. I find it quite hard to really go all out for just old us! Maybe I should food blog instead, he would love that. I could do one of those house hold blogs that make me warm and gooey when I accidentally come across them searching for recipes or home ideas. I’m just too messy for that probably. It would be nice to do all that for the love of the family – not to share with the world though surely? I will try harder at home. Keep the heart warm and glowing.

Anyway back to the party. Met two autism parents. OMG. Who knew? In my own class lol! It’s a whole new world. Amazing. What really threw me about this is that I am guilty of not bloody getting it. One of the parents has another son in the same school and get this, one of the girls in his class I genuinely had no idea! I think my impression was that she was serious, quiet and studious. Maybe a little blank looking sometimes. So now why I feel really bad is this: when we first joined the class my rebellious side obviously kicked in and I threw Rafael, 5 an underage rave. I know genius right? Ummm. Well anyway the theme was the acid face (kids don’t know come on its just a happy face!) so cake, going home bags, I made all the little fairy cakes with yellow ice and smiley faces they were good if I don’t say so myself, glow in The dark bracelets, and Dj with flashing lights. It was fun. Anyway I got some of my pals to come help out and Kriss, my gorgeous friend was amazed at how good all the kids were but I remember her specific interaction with one little girl who told her she wanted to go home : ( Kriss always remembers that when we talk about the school, like the idea we sort of had was the kids couldn’t relax and enjoy it. Too hardworking we thought. Not enough fun we thought. Kriss’s exact word were too vanilla. This was all in the context of Rafi being a bit more loud and cheeky than anyone else btw lets get it straight, tese were honest good defensive intentions : ). Anyway lesson learnt AGAIN. Do not bloody judge. That little girl I find out actually has, probably quite high functioning, autism. Wow now don’t I think she is amazing. As a side note I remember thinking my little Canon would love that rave as he loves a crazy dance at home but he bloody hated it bless him, I was a bit dismayed. This was way before any idea that anything was up with little Canon.

So major good humbling revelations aside, there was gossip, which I honestly make an effort to not partake in, see the above story which is one of a million times I have learned judging is a foolish pastime, and it comes in more subtler forms than blatant gossiping. I did hear a few stories about a mum who has given me a hard time before, it felt good as I felt a little bit vindicated in my thoughts about her when she had a good go at me about my son, but u know what, bless her. Gonna try not to jump on the bandwagon. Not my business. Rafi had a glowing school report that day and I had glowing reports about him from other parents. : )))) I love my little Raf but he has not had an abundance of glowing reports in his achool career : ) so I was really chuffed. He is really growing into a lovely boy. We got into a bit of a negative space with Raf a few years ago so this is really fantastic for us. What’s good too is that I can talk honestly and openly about this to the other parents. I am not mired in shame. I am not in defence or prosecution mode. I am in imperfect mode which is actually a lot prettier.

Maybe other parents have not really trod the shame road I have, again how would one know? I only know that one bad behaviour from poor Raf literally pulled the carpet from under me. It’s my fault, mikes fault, my fault for making the irresponsible choice to bring Raf into our totally unprepared world, for not getting it right as usual. My kids are angels anything that happens that’s bad is my fault. This was before canon. Once it was clear things were not ok with Canon the house came crashing down as the carpet was wripped from under me / us.

It’s all our fault. The VERY drunken night of conception, the stress of opening a business through pregnancy, unbearable relationship with friend / business partner, difficult birth (I actually held him in so I didn’t have him in the lift), vaccines, lack of attention, arguing at home, when we lost mikes dad… Oh you can catch the drift. It is an endless pointless list of what ifs and heartache. I have been known to indulge it solo and with mike countless times. There is a point to it though. Eyes on our own plates. We can always make different choices and do it better. As long as we do the best we can baby Sol is in the hands of the Gods.

Nouse

Nicky Nouse. We were saying goodnight to all Canons animals tonight and I am not having it tonight. He refuses to say Mouse. Or Micky Mouse. So I say Mmmmmmmmmmmouse. Nouse. Ok Mummy. Mummy. Mmmmmm. Mmmmmm. Mouse. Nouse. Grrrr. After 10 mins I’m irked. What’s the problem? Is he doing this sort of on purpose? He used to say mouse I’m sure. He can say mmm. Quelle problem? I’m confused – my natural state of affairs – but trying to be instinctive. My instinct says that he might be doing this on purpose. So I say ok Micky is leaving, he gets anxious I’m splitting him off from the rest of the entourage. He says Micky I smile and say mouse and he says nouse. Hmmmm. Rafi pipes up from the top bunk poooooor Canon. Just to add to my inner turmoil lol. So I say that’s it Canon Micky Mouse is off. Canon crys, rafi pleads and then magic… Mouse. Long and drawn out. Determined not to hear the dreaded nouse again and ruin the achievement. I high five Canon. Yay. Tuck him and Mick in bed and run. Now lying in the bath finally sort of relaxing and typing me blog. iPad flashes 5% battery. Course. Kids. So that’s all folks : )….

Beep beep bop bop

It’s a whole new world this blog place : ) reading others and engaging a bit this week has been good. It’s scary putting it all out there, vulnerable but exciting. I’m pretty sensitive and tend to over think most stuff, what people with autism will feel or think of my words : ( or other (better) autism parents. I know on every journey one gets to the point where you feel better, it’s called acceptance. I touch it, I can feel it sometimes and it’s just fine. I don’t fully live there yet what a shame : (
Saturday night was bad and then yesterday and today were really ok. Got loads done. Our baby boys are aok. Had some lovely lovely lovely moments. Mike cooked sea bass tonight and the boys ate it all. Oh the joy. Love it when they eat their dinner especially healthy dinners.
Emails and meetings with schools and sencos, consultants, supervisors and tutors. Getting serious today. Getting things done. Yippeeekayyay
So today it was all ok. Today I got to do my best no interuptions, to try to help but not to fix.
Today i feel grateful I have a good life and I have lots of love. Lucky me.
I don’t feel that everyday and I definitely wouldn’t always share that.

I know that I just don’t bloody know…

I don’t even know what to call this entry. I’m sad and exhausted.

Canon just had a melt down at bedtime. It was quite terrifying how anxious and unhappy he seems. He has taken to lining all his teddies up. His Winnie the poohs, triggers, gruffalos, Sullys and Mikes. I call them his entourage and he doesn’t like anyone to mess with them. Even our baby Sol whom he loves he shouts at when he comes near. It’s the first time he has been like this with toys so in some ways I was happy that he was engaging with the characters and toys. He didn’t used to care about anything at one stage seemingly. As usual he was shouting, and canon shouts really bloody loud. Serious. I call it the Lebanese volume as Mike is pretty loud most of the time so is Raf. We are a pretty noisy household I suppose. Lucky we don’t still live in a flat. Poor neighbours. Anyway he lost it. I felt anxious. The baby is sleeping next door and he is screaming at the top of his lungs. It’s 9 o’clock at night and I’m panicking. I pack away some of the toys to make some space for him to sleep and he is losing it. I have to manhandle him a bit and I can feel myself getting angry and anxious too. I confiscate the toys. This behaviour is unacceptable. its so shocking it has me freaking out inside. As I’m telling him to be quiet the baby is sleeping I don’t think he understands. I really don’t. As i leave with some of the toys he is screaming the house down. Mike comes up the stairs and slaps him firmly on his cheek. He stops shouting and looks so sad I burst out crying. He is crying. It’s a bloody mess. I hate this. It feels like hell. Mike says he has to stop him, bring him back (Mike grew up in the war in Beirut he’s pretty tough and seen much worse, that’s what they would do when someone is freaking out “wake them up” he would say). I don’t think I agree but I don’t know what else to do. It’s just a mess. Canon is not ok and I am crying my eyes out. canon is crying and looking so sad that I am crying. I am cuddling him and trying to comfort him I feel awful. I know he can’t help it, it’s not him being naughty it’s his anxiety and stress is overwhelming him and us. We are failing him and he is failing us. We dont understand him or whats happening any more than he does. It is just devastating. Rafi comes in and is so sad I am crying and Canon is crying and Mike is beaten.

Canon asks for his blanket stuffs it in his mouth and let’s me put on his pyjamas. I put him in bed and I lie cuddling him. We are both still crying. I hold him tight and tell him I love him 100 times trying to ensure that he knows and feels that I do. I want everything and everything to be ok for him. I am determined to salvage my plan of tucking him in and reading a nice story so I reach for a stack of new Winnie the Pooh books we picked up today for 20p each at the school fair. He chooses one and I read it. There is lots of text and I determinedly read every page. We name all the characters and he says some of the words after me. He is calm, still troubled but calm. I don’t think he understands the story but maybe he does. That is the thing though… that I just don’t know. I don’t know what’s happened I don’t know what’s going to happen, I don’t know how best to respond to him and I don’t know him, I don’t know what he thinks I don’t know how he feels. I only try and guess at it but he can’t tell me set me straight and I know I make assumptions. I am his mother I am sure I often get it right, he is my soft spot but when am I getting it wrong? I have no confidence that I know anything for sure anymore. This autism has rattled me to the core.

I kiss him goodnight and rub his little nose and go downstairs to smoke a roll up. I sit in the garden and cry. Mike has gone straight to bed. He will be feeling like shit. He is a brilliant dad. Not perfect, definitely not North London but he is doing the best he can. I come in make a cup of tea call in Raf and give him lots of cuddles too. What must this be like for him? I talk to him I hope he hears me. He’s a good kid. There is so much love in this house how can it feel like such a bloody mess. I just don’t know.

Bloody light

The thing about anything is you can always up your game. Aba is a game changer I think for autism. It might not be everyone’s cuppa but its definitely mine. I get that it might seem inhuman to someone who has not experienced a child slipping away from them to somehow well coax a child like that. My cousin Jane, one of my autism mum heros, always talks about the “ah bless” mentality. Yes that mentality of let them just sit there flapping or running in circles or jumping up and down – it’s making them happy. Well it does not bloody make me happy to see my bright loving wonderful little human troubled. Yes preoccupied, not coping, troubled. See I don’t accept it. Nor should I. Just because we call it autism it’s acceptable. Well it’s not. Perhaps it’s because our son was basically not verbal and still is literally a man of very few words. Perhaps it’s because my son is a big strapping lad who one day would physically be to big for me to handle. Perhaps i dont want to see him walking about with two big male carers when he is 18 because he still totally freaks out when he doesnt get what he wants. Perhaps it’s because I believe something has affected him and that he wasn’t born with it. Perhaps it’s because I believe that helping him understand this world means that he will have more choices later, that he will be able to write a blog (lol) or tell people how he feels. It is vital to me that I don’t leave my son non verbal or unable to communicate. Aba gives me that hope.

But even that journey is a long complicated winding road. My new nectar from the gods Laila (new VB consultant) was that good but we did get a kick up the arse and it hurt. He is so delayed. Mike is still sold on him being cursed. Laila was understanding. Good cos not sure we really know one day from the next right now. But I had lost sight and my eyes were opened today, why had I lost sight of what is possible for Canon? Why was I thinking it was going to be ok for him to be in school every day next year with a TA and just be happy he was there locked in his own world not causing too much trouble.. why the hell would I not fight his corner? It’s bloody not ok he needs more! He is going to need a lot more. We are not going to just survive this Canon is going to thrive. No matter the cost, trust it will come, no matter the work, we can sort it. So today’s light was a bit less like yesterday’s prettier awakening sunrise and more like an overhead striplight tearing you from a nice deep sleep at 4am. Get up get off your arse there is NOTHING more important than helping your son.