Month: June, 2014

EEG please

After seeing this a few months ago I am on a mission to get us an EEG.


She is my new favourite person. She answered her email. Well I did email the same email every day for three weeks and it was a generic response but still..

It’s true. They diagnosed a life long neurological condition based on an hour behavioural assessment? No EEG for autism.

No nothing for that.

Oh and while I am on the subject might as well have a rant about these same people that diagnose from behaviours then turn their nose up at behaviour based interventions. (ABA). Weird.

Autism thoughts and familiarities

I hate having the tops of my arms touched too
Certain sounds make me jar
Clenching my body and hands in fury like an animal is so familiar
Getting distracted by crazy mind is a minute by minute occurrence
I get a sense I have felt what you felt honey
I get a sense I felt crazy when things didn’t go my way
(Still do sometimes))
I felt crazy when people took something I was enjoying, liked where it was or just didn’t want it moved. I can’t think if I expressed it, possibly not like you but it sure feels like something I’ve experienced.
I’ve felt overwhelmed, manic, like I can’t come back from my anger too my lovely little bear.
I’ve felt baffled by how things work
Unable to let you through
Unable to take anything else in
Unable to look someone in the eyes when we talk or we meet
So raw and so intense sometimes I can’t bear it
Oh I know that one. With pain with sadness with fear with longing

I know I just can’t make head nor tail of the world sometimes, its history its stories
I can’t bare how people suffer literally can’t bare it.
What people do to each other
Other people’s pain sadness fear and longing

It’s the similarities not the differences. I dont think im different from my son I have just learned how to hide most of my feelings and experiences surely. I don’t think I’m autistic? What the hell even is this thing? Do we fight it or love it? Is it a thing or is it just my little boy? My baby I rocked and sang to sleep every night. Well nearly every night.

It’s just another thing that touches the raw, un adulterated heart of life, that makes you feel the vulnerability and harrowing nature of life. It’s innocent, sometimes agonising unapologetic, I am disgusted by it at times but its mostly beautiful? I just don’t get it.
I just want Canon to tell me to talk to me and explain it. That’s what I want.

Reasons and Cures

Just read another mindblowingly dull article on the causes of autism in today’s Guardian. Infertility treatment apparently. Nil points from me. Nope rings not a single bell. Of all my many problems infertility was not one, quite the surprisingly opposite.

I’m not going to start tonight on what I suspect causes autism on my dark days. Well and light days but light days I don’t ponder it. It’s a bloody fight that won’t be won on this blog I’m sure. Oh alright it’s stupid not to at least summarise now I’ve gone and starteD.. It probably goes Something along the lines of all the crazy stuff we do to our food. E numbers, locust and beetle juice (not too technical I know but you probably know what I mean) and my fave genetically modifying our bloody apples (probably) and rice? i just dont want to know anymore as it makes me feel ill, oh and of course pesticides!?Hello are we really sure? He’ll no we bloody ain’t its just a big global experiment. Nobody upon NO BODY can convince me to be unconvinced. And yes not to sure about vaccines. Sorry if that makes you want to cry. it also makes me want to cry for entirely different reasons. Now I have researched it as much as I can NO BODY will convince me they are safe for eVery little tiny soul. Do I know for sure anything nope. Do I think anyone else is 100%? Nope. So that’s that no real clue but at least I know I don’t know and I’m proud of that and proud that I will think and rethink everything. Lets get it straight I would have been blamed not long ago for not hugging enough. Now at least that I KNOW I can rule out just like the infertility. Phew. 2 down in this blog ; )

Now for cures.
I think I will list them. See what happens.

Kinesiology (lucky autocorrect knew that one)
Chinese herbs
NHS (joke, just seeing if you had fallen asleep)

There are more I can’t think. I am a big believer in alternative therapies. It’s very simple for me and maybe I’m just like canon as it does seem totally to make sense in my world. I know some seem crazy but here’s why…
Physics. Energy. Everything vibrates at different frequencies. Solid, liquid gas etc. I can look at a table in awe of this fact. Seriously it’s quite crazy but true that lots of tiny things vibrate and conspire to stay together to form that table or even me or you. Now tell me anything rational against alternative therapies. It sounds silly to try to make sense of the non sensical world surely?

Ok how about the fact that we are on a ball floating in the black abyss, we don’t know what we are doing or why we are here. (Said in an Irish accent for full effect like I heard it quoted on bbc4 once by someone I don’t know).

Anyway each to their own I say.

Staff meeting

I own a beauty salon and today we had a staff meeting. Waffled a lot about maintaining good energy in everything we do, they looked back at me and I wondered if they thought it was cool or whether I would shut up and talk commission. I wish people would be prepared to pay more for a mani or some waxing – breaks my heart not to pay the girls what they deserve. Maybe i just havent got it right. Will find a way, the whole business feels energy zapped and zapping. I know every business feels like this sometimes but it has been a lot of the time recently. Can’t really get it straight in my head, probably something to do with the baby and little Canon probably. And the move. Cream crackered. But need to keep on so big decisions need to be made. Signs gratefully received world.

Going to watch the last episode of my latest marathon The Americans. It’s awesome but I will feel bereft after. Can they please make tv quicker I hate long season breaks.

Curtainless windows


So we just moved and I had so many plans to make it PERFEcT in 3 months. It was in a pretty bad way so I must have been mad. Also now we have no money. Every night now I lay in bed it’s still light and look out through my beautiful oldy worldly windows and I feel pretty lucky. Not sure I want curtains but will probably change my mind when winter comes. Loving this summer.

My son shouts a lot. I came home and he cuddled me then we tried to cajole him to dinner. The dinner or bed option worked for a while but now he just says dinner bed and takes himself upstairs. It’s actually a bit scary. No dinner and taking himself to bed and not sleeping. What to do.

Tonight was different tho he shouted a lot. He shouted all day. After no dinner we went to pick up Raf from his friends house (Rafael my baby no 1 now 8) and I took them for ice cream. He ate all his special frozen yoghurt gluten free cone that I drive across north London for. Rafi loves the place. Frozen yoghurt with jelly men and marshmallows and strawberry sauce ? Urgh me I like it completely plain. Anyway after the ice cream Which Canon managed to say Nice ice cream (sorta) I turned on the radio “nooooo” shouts the backseat despot. Nononono the only song not to get a stampede of nos is Pharrell happy which we all used to love and now cannot bear to listen to we have heard it that many times.

Tonight in the end I decided to play my song and sing very loud until we pulled up at home. I felt happy the boys were disgusted : )

Its the little things.

Lift off

Can’t quite work out why I am starting a blog today. There has been no build up. I have entertained the idea many times before but not particularly seriously. Perhaps it’s cos my friend has started a blog that has really touched me and made me feel closer to her. Or maybe because I am not on Facebook I miss an audience and ranting to people that used to know me when I was 5 or 15 just didn’t fulfil me lol. It’s a bit of a mystery actually. But rolling with it…

I’ve just evicted Canon, the one with autism, out of the bed with a decided air of the defeated. Bedtimes + Canon is not a happy sum of parts for me who by 9 at night only really wants to see the angelic sleeping faces of all my children. The battle of the bedtime. Anyway good thing or bad, I can happily be on my iPad after hours and try to ignore wayward children occasionally shouting the words bed or sleep. It’s a beautiful picture of domestic drudgery 2014.

Michael my other half is now herding him into bed whispering night night. It probably won’t work and we will hear him still humming his little tune at gone 11 bless him. Maybe it will be different I am open to it! But I doubt it.

Canon is lovely. He is in nursery and today I went with the baby ( Sol 9 months) to his sports day. He came last but did make it over the finish line both times after being half dragged by his sweet South African Teaching Assistant. Bless her. She is trying, can’t ask for more. We stood at the end of the race, me and the babe, enduring questioning glances from all the other parents studiously standing behind the string line. Suck it up we are special. I was waving frantically and in my head he would see me and bound towards me but no he didn’t see us. It hurt for probably about 4 seconds, things rarely goes to my plan with Canon but that’s probably why he is quite a cool kid.

I did tell Mike, his dad and don’t know what to call him except life partner which makes me snigger, anyway called him and told him it was uncool he didn’t come I look like a single mum and they think we are separated. We laughed. No one is interested I’m pretty sure.

Good day to start a blog as after I took Canon and babe to the farm in Mill Hill. I’ve been meaning to go for about 2 years. It was pretty funny. Seeing Alpacas and turkeys with Canon is something I can highly recommend. Even pigs seemed quite ridiculous.

Just about put a meal on the table and yes mike it probably wasn’t from my heart sorry. He does like cooking to be from the heart. You can taste it he’s right. Don’t often think he’s right lol.

Watched World Cup qualifier Germany v USA (basically another Germany. What is with all the German players and a manager weird.) hmmmmm it was a difficult one I think I was on the fence not sure I could ever actively support either in football, that has never happened to me b4 I always feel sorry for the first team that start looking sad. Anyway i would like this opportunity to say America wake up and get good at football. I dont actually think many people really want u to cos we think, this is a generalisation, that u can be a bit full on (didn’t say annoying) and your World Series is a bit arrogant considering no other countries participate non? But anyway it made me feel a bit tingly watching scenes of Americans caring about football. You are obviously not allowed to win. Sorry those are the rules. Not sure who to support now. Bloody England.